February's Theme: Guess!

 Three hints:*

1. It looks on tempests and is never shaken.

2. Ooh, it's enough for me to know that you're in ____ / Now I'll let you go / 'Cause I know that you're in _______! / No-oh! No-oh! No-no-oh, no-no-oh... oooooooooooo...

3. It alters when it alteration finds! Or wait, it doesn't!

That's right. This month's theme is oh-so-fitting, at least to 1/28.25 of it. "True" or not, this month it will include dramatic entrances and exits, arguments that may involve throwing things/condiments/regression to pacifier-sucking years, and at least one of the following: a building burning down, a conversion to Scientology (capitalized because Blogger is pushing religious sensitivity via that tyrannical squiggly red underline, and I let technology dictate my grammar), and/or bed bugs.

February's Theme (drumroll!) is: Love and its Lackeys.





*Courtesy of William Shakespeare and Wilson Phillips.

Introducing... Play Dates with Mary: Happy Hour Reading Series!

The fantastic brainchild of funny and fabulous Kate Tellers, a monthly HAPPY HOUR READING SERIES is going to accompany Short Scripted as of 2/28!

Every fourth Monday at Lolita on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, a beautiful and talented and growing list of beautiful and talented and growing performers will read the month's scenes/short plays. 

Reasons to Come

-Happy Hour is until 8 PM (including $5 margaritas and mojitos)!

-Meet cool people! 

-Hear my latest work! If it stinks, you can practice your acting skills by pretending it doesn't then have something to talk about with your significant other on the way home!

-There is no minimum drink requirement, but you'll want to because alcohol is a social lubricant!

Okay, seriously, I'm psyched to get to hear my work read and to do so in a setting with friends and soon-to-be friends. I value the feedback and the companionship and the community. I hope you'll join us. 

Details

Lolita 

266 Broome St.

NY NY (f/j/m/z to Delancey; 6 to Spring; b/d to Grand; f/v to 2nd Ave) (there's a z train?)

Map here

7 PM (reading will last 30 min to an hour, max)

Every fourth Monday

starting february 28, 2011

hope to see ya there! 

The Most Boring Family

TARA (ninth grade)

LULA (third grade)

MOM

DAD

MRS. WATERSON (or LADY WHO RUNS THE AUCTION, a voice)

SCENE 1

(The Backseat of The Family Car.  TARA is folded, slumped against the window, listening to her headphones. LULA is perky and chatty. Though we hear MOM and DAD speak throughout the scene, we don’t see them (in the Front Seat). Whenever TARA has her headphones in both ears, all we hear is TARA’s music at a deafening level. LULA looks up from whatever she is doing—coloring or reading or drawing—to take note of something said from the Front Seat. She taps TARA.)

TARA

(removing one earbud/music stops)

What?

LULA

Wendy’s or McDonald’s.

TARA

Wendy's.

(TARA puts the earbud back in/music starts. LULA taps her after conversing briefly with the Front Seat.)

TARA

(removing one earbud/music stops)

WHAT?

LULA

How mad are you going to be if we go to McDonald’s?

(TARA grunts, puts the earbud back in/music starts. LULA taps her after conversing with the Front Seat. TARA removes an earbud/the music stops. TARA waits.)

LULA

We’re going to Wendy’s.

TARA

You didn't have to tell me that.

LULA

(to the Front Seat)

She’s not in a better mood.

TARA

WHAT?

LULA

Mom said we had to go to Wendy’s because otherwise you won’t be in a better mood anytime soon.

TARA

I’m not in a MOOD.

(TARA puts her headphones back in/music resumes. LULA taps her after laughing about something with the Front Seat. TARA rips both off and waits. The family laughs.)

TARA

Shut up!

LULA

You win! Dad wins.

DAD

Don’t you want us to leave you alone, too, Tara?

LULA

That’s cheating!

TARA

Are you guys making bets about what I’m going to say?

LULA

Maybe if you took off your headphones, you’d know.

TARA

Maybe I would if you guys weren’t so BORING!

LULA

We’re not boring.

TARA

Really? Why do you keep winning the award then?

SCENE 2

(The Family sits in a row, outdoors. TARA is miserable. LULA is nervous but interested. MOM and DAD are thrilled. The voices of Mrs. Waterson and others are offstage.)

MRS. WATERSON (Lady Who Runs the Auction)

(offstage)

And one last thing—remember: you are making a difference! Each of you, just by being here. And the first category is…

(drawing from a hat or something goofy)

MOST BORING FAMILY! Let the nominating begin!

VOICE

(offstage)

The Smiths!

VOICE

(offstage)

Second!

VOICES

(offstage, at once)

Third!/Third! Fourth!/Fourth! Fifth!

MS. WATERSON

(offstage)

Mr. Smith, are you prepared to bid your way out of… was it six nominations?

VOICE

(offstage)

SEVEN!

DAD

Bring it on! I got seven Benjamins right here!

MS. WATERSON

Do I hear eight?

VOICE

EIGHT!

DAD

I got eight Ben Franklins right here!

VOICE

NINE!

(End of the auction. The family huddles around a certificate, posing for the camera. MOM, DAD, and LULA are smiling widely. TARA is not smiling.)

VOICE

And the MOST BORING FAMILY AWARD GOES TO... the Smiths!

                                                (Photo flash.)

TARA

(to LULA)

We’re doing something about this before next year.

SCENE 3

(TARA is stands teetering on a ledge, holding onto a rail behind her. LULA stands next to her, distraught.)

LULA

Please don’t! Pleeeease!

TARA

The eldest Smith girl leaps to her death in reaction to an annual fundraiser!

LULA

Please!

TARA

Tell them I said, see who’s boring now Lula! Tell them.

LULA

Stop it! Mom’s going to hear you and I won’t get to go to Janie Rockwell’s birthday.

(TARA falls forward, landing on the floor of her bedroom.)

TARA

It’s barbaric, little one. What they do is barbaric.

LULA

If you get me in trouble I’ll be so mad at you.

TARA

Have you ever been to that town where every year, there is a ceremony, where all the people gather in the town square, and all the names are put into a basket, and one name is drawn. And that person has to go into the middle of the circle. And they throw stones at the person until they die. Every year.

LULA

There is no such town.

TARA

Is so.

LULA

Is not.

TARA

Well there is in a story you read in ninth grade.

LULA

It’s a make believe town. People don’t throw stones in a real town.

TARA

It’s called stoning and people do it, little one.

LULA

Don’t call me that, rude girl.

TARA

That’s basically what they do to us every ear.

LULA

Yeah, for real. Seriously.

TARA

Basically.

TARA

We should stone you then everyone wouldn’t think we’re boring.

LULA

Why me!

TARA

Well, we should do something.

LULA

Like go ride our bikes all over Big Nose’s yard!

TARA

Let’s not call him that anymore. It’s rude.

LULA

Okay.

TARA

I dunno what we should do. But something.

LULA

Okay, but don’t stone me please.

SCENE 4

(LULA wears a poster board sign with magic marker, WICKED LADY WHO RUNS STUPID AUCTION. She is lying on the ground under her big sister.)

LULA

DON’T STONE ME! PLEASE!

TARA

(holding a distinctive rock)

We are raising money by stoning this year, and you’re the one to be stoned!

LULA

But you can’t! It’s not fair! It’s not right!

TARA

I don’t care if it’s not fair or right! It is necessary to raise money for the poor and inflicted!

(Beat.)

Mom. That’s you.

MOM’S VOICE

(reading her line from offstage)

But if it’s not her, it could be anyone!  

TARA

No!

MOM

(in role)

Yes!

TARA

No!

MOM

(in role)

Yes!

TARA

Why… it could be me?

LULA

It could be you!

TARA

Why… I never thought of it that way. I suppose we shall end this practice once and for all. Missus, your life shall be spared.

(MOM and DAD’s clapping can be heard from offstage.)

LULA

It’s not over! Thankyouheadstonerforsparingmylifeandservingasanexampletoeveryone thatstoningisnottheanswer.

TARA

Anytime!

(TARA motions for applause, which is late in coming, to resume. She and LU LA bow.)

MOM

(entering)

What an interesting skit.

LULA

It was a play.

DAD

A little dark don’t you think? Stoning Lula?

TARA

It’s called a metaphor?

LULA

Basically.

MOM

They weren’t stoning Lula, they were stoning Mrs. Waterson because she… runs the auction?

LULA

We don’t want to be in the contest anymore.

MOM

But it’s just for fun my sillies!

TARA

Ever heard of not funny?

DAD

Ever heard of sarcasm? People pick us because we’re the least boring. Everyone knows that.

(to MOM)

Right?

            (MOM avoids his gaze.)

DAD

Anyway, if you really want to be interesting, the skit—

LULA

Play.

DAD

—Play should end with the stoning.

            (LULA runs out.)

TARA

See? You’re scarring her indefinitely. It’s too late to save me but you could still save Lula.

SCENE 5

MRS. WATERSON’S VOICE

And once agaaaaain, the MOST BORING FAMILY AWARD GOES TO... the Smiths!

DAD

(entering, approaching a microphone)

From the mouths of babes comes the truth. This fundraiser is always great fun for me personally—I know you all don’t really think we’re boring! But the kids don’t. And while raising money for cancer—

MOM

(whispers)

Cystic Fibrosis.

DAD

Cystic fibrosis is noble, what we’re doing is setting an example that bullying, or… calling someone boring, or the LOUDEST, Mr. O’Ryan, or the CRAZIEST, like the Freemans… is okay. Mrs. Waterson, thank you for the award but I’m not going to be able to accept this year.

(The stone from Scene 5 flies onto the stage and rolls to a stop.)

SCENE 6

LULA

(alone on stage, lying in bed)

I’m not boring. I’m not boring.

Photo courtesy of Pixomar: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=905&page_num=2

Toby's Parents Paint His Nails

THE FRANKS
KITTY (wife)
TODD (husband)
TOBY (son)

THE WOFFORDS
CHRISTINA (wife)
RICH (husband)
TIMOTHY (son)

(The FRANKS’ home: sleek, modern, with sharp corners and right angles. The WOFFORDS sit on one couch directly facing an identical one on which TODD FRANK sits. Children can be heard playing in the distance.

KITTY enters carrying two glasses, which she hands to RICH and CHRISTINA before perching, socially alert, next to her husband.)

TODD

So that’s a longwinded way of answering both yes and no to your question, Rich, I find it entirely plausible that the—

(Gives  KITTY a meaningful look. She remembers she’s forgotten his drink and exits.)

—westernization of yoga has done a great deal to enhance its sort of, democratic underpinnings, and yet the commercialization of it is sort of, inherently troubling… is the tea to your liking?

CHRISTINA

Very!

RICH

Mmm. Mmhmm.

KITTY

(entering with TODD’S drink)

You don’t like it?

TODD

They love it, dear, have a seat.

KITTY

(to Christina)

I love your blouse.

CHRISTINA

Oh, thank you.

RICH

Thank you for having us over… when I called, I didn’t mean to suggest—

CHRISTINA

He should have invited you to our home.

KITTY

Don’t be silly!

RICH

As I said, we are hoping to talk to you about something that has… come up. With our son. Timothy is…

CHRISTINA

Shh, careful, honey.

KITTY

They’re outside. Aren’t they outside?

RICH

(to Christina)

Go ahead.

CHRISTINA

Lately Timothy has been asking to wear different kinds of clothes.

RICH

Dresses.

CHRISTINA

He wants to wear dresses. And I always say no. But Tuesday, I found him with my finger nail polish. He told me Toby does it.

KITTY

(to TODD)

Does Toby do his toes?

TODD

I don’t think so.

RICH

Well, that was our son’s answer. That your son wears nail color.

(Beat.)

CHRISTINA

We thought you might want to know.

KITTY

Know...

TODD

Thank you but we know. About his fingers. I didn’t know about his toes.

KITTY

Todd and Toby paint their nails together sometimes. It’s kind of… social affirmative action in our family. We don’t want to… force him into gender stereotypes.

                                    (The boys enter, running, TOBY chasing TIMOTHY. TOBY wears a dress.)               

                                    (TIMOTHY is wearing standard little boy clothes.)

KITTY

More tea?

CHRISTINA

No thank you.

TODD

If he expresses interest in a fashion or hobby, we encourage him to pursue that interest.

RICH

Nail color.

KITTY

We understand it’s not an approach most parents take.

CHRISTINA

I see.

RICH

You paint yours, too?

TODD

Not initially. Until he was mocked—

KITTY

One child was—

TODD

—I did it to show him, See! Daddy does it. And Daddy’s cool.

KITTY

“Children” were not making fun. One child. Sylvia Butler’s son, Frankie. Can you imagine, a fifth grader picking on a first grader? Anyway, that was two years ago.

RICH

And you put him in skirts.

KITTY

He has two dresses.

TODD

Maybe once a week.

KITTY

Once a month at most, honey.

TODD

More than that...

KITTY

Do you dress him?

TODD

Anyway, what’s most important to us is that he knows we accept him the way he is. Kitty’s brother—

KITTY

My older brother is gay.

TODD

Her brother didn’t come out until he was twenty-two.

KITTY

After college.

TODD

And not because the family is homophobic. They’re not.

KITTY

My parents are wonderful.

TODD

Crippling implicit pressure, he called it. Subconscious, social guidance. So if Toby wants to wear a skirt? Go for it. Play with Barbies? Sure. Paint his fingers with the brightest, most whorish pink in the bargain bin? Fine.

                                     (The boys run through again, this time with trucks.)

KITTY

You all don’t seem very open to the idea of encouraging Timothy to do the same.

CHRISTINA

Wear girls' clothes? 

KITTY

Explore his interests. 

RICH

I’m not sure how much exploring needs to be done. He seems pretty gay to me.

TODD

Look at it this way. He’s going to be whatever he is eventually.

KITTY

His sexual orientation is not what he is. It’s just part of him.

TODD

Your choice is, make it easier on him, or contribute to the mass societal forces pushing him in the wrong direction and he’ll resent you for the rest of his life.

KITTY

Resent? No. That’s not why we do it. We do it because he prefers dolls to... balls.

                                    (The kids run through, Toby chasing Timothy with a baseball bat.)

CHRISTINA

Well. Thank you for sharing. We appreciate it.
                                    (Beat.)
Don’t we.

RICH

How d’ya know his wearing dresses or using the nail color, or whatever, means he, uh, wants to bone boys.

CHRISTINA

RICHARD!

                                    (Beat.)

TODD

TOBYYYYYY!

KITTY

Don’t get Toby involved in this.

TODD

TOOOBY! 

                                       (TOBY runs in still carrying the baseball bat.)

Say hello to Mr. Rich.

TOBY

Hi.

TODD

That’s how.

                                        (TIMOTHY runs in with Barbie’s head. He presents it to TOBY.)                         

                                        (TOBY bursts into tears.)

TODD

And that.

KITTY

Sweetheart! It’s okay, come here.

                                        (TOBY snatches Barbie’s head from TIMOTHY.)

TODD

Show Mr. Rich your nails.

KITTY

Stop.

TODD

Honey, it’s fine. 

(to TOBY) 

Just show him.

RICH

I don’t need to see—

TODD

You think I don’t know my own son?

RICH

I didn’t say—

TOBY

I don’t want to.

KITTY

That’s okay.

TODD

No need to be embarrassed, son.

KITTY

You boys can go play now.

TIMOTHY

Okay!

KITTY

Want me to put Princess Butterfly’s head back on?

RICH

My god, what is wrong with that child’s hands?

KITTY

Oh!

                                    (TOBY's fingers are raw and red, maybe bleeding in places.)                                                      

What did you do to yourself!

                                    (TOBY whispers something in his mother’s ear.)

TODD

What is it?

KITTY

Why didn’t you let me take it off for you?

TODD

What?

KITTY

He tried to take off the polish.  

TODD

Did someone say something to you?

                                    (TOBY shrugs.)

TODD

Did you tell them your daddy does it?

TOBY

Lula doesn’t like it.

KITTY

Who is Lula?

TIMOTHY

Lula peed herself in the coats in Ms. Fullbright’s class.

TOBY

Shut up!

KITTY

We do not say shut up.

TOBY

I want him to stop talking.

TODD

Who’s Lula?

TIMOTHY

Toby wants to kiss her.

TOBY

Shut up!

TODD

Well. In this family we believe it’s okay to want to kiss anyone you want to kiss.

RICH

Celebrate yourselves a little more! Please.

CHRISTINA

Alright.

RICH

He’s acting like we tell Timothy who to be. Timothy, you can kiss whoever you want. It’s fine with us. Fine with the Franks! Fine with the Woffords.

                          

                                    (TIMOTHY kisses TOBY.)

TOBY

EW!

RICH

That's how you know.

KITTY

Why don’t we call this a day.

CHRISTINA

Yes, I think it’s time to go. 

(to TIMOTHY) 

Let’s get your coat, buddy.

TODD

Watch the roads, they’re slick, still.

RICH

You bet they are.

KITTY

(offering her the nail polish)

Would you like this?

CHRISTINA

No, thank you. Bye Toby.

KITTY

Say bye, Toby.

TOBY

Bye Toby.

                                    (The WOFFORDS exit.)

TOBY

I don't want to wear it anymore.

KITTY
(stroking his hair)

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, angel.

Photo for this post is by J. Frasse, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=836

Butler Family Christmas Yoga

ANNE MARIE BUTLER—22, Sister

FRANKLIN (“FRANKIE”) BUTLER—12, Brother

SYLVIA BUTLER—53, Mother

DEREK BUTLER—58, Father

WALDO BUTLER—55, Uncle

GROVER BUTLER (“GRANDDADDY”)—85, Grandfather

                                                                    

(December 24, 2010. The living room of the Butler Family is warm and festive. A tall and densely lit Christmas tree shines above a thick mountain of gifts. There is a fire burning, and on a table there is a bowl of egg nog with a ladle, next to neatly arranged empty glasses and holiday cocktail napkins. The family is distributed throughout the living room lying on their backs facing upstage. ANNE MARIE lies furthest downstage. GROVER’S heavy breathing is quite loud.)

ANNE MARIE

BREATHE in Savasana. In, out. In, out. Focus on your breath.

FRANKIE

This is boring now.

SYLVIA

Hush, Frankie, this is my favorite part.

ANNE MARIE

You can move again in a second, but being still in Savasana is important. We’re restoring our bodies, fueling our hearts.

FRANKIE

I think I can hear your heart, Uncle Waldo.

WALDO

That’s my stomach.

ANNE MARIE

Now, on three, lift again into Sarvangasana. Ready? One, two, THREE!

                                    (ANNE MARIE thrusts her hips into the air and her family follows, some better than others, but no one’s pose could be called pretty.)

DEREK

Dad, are you alive?

GROVER

(can hardly breathe)

Never been better!

(collapses)

ANNE MARIE

Very good, everyone! Annnnd, slowly back down. This is our last Savasana so make it a good one.

SYVIA

Derek, did you water the tree?

DEREK

Shit.

FRANKIE

Dad!

SYLVIA

Derek!

ANNE MARIE

Mom!

DEREK

Sorry! I meant shoot.

SYLVIA

He’s not always going to be perfect, Frankie.

FRANKIE

He can try.

DEREK

How did I end up with the Bible thumping twelve-year-old?

FRANKIE

I’m not Bible thumping. What is Bible thumping.

SYLVIA

Don’t worry, honey, it’s good you get on your dad about his cursing.

ANNE MARIE

This is supposed to be a restful pose.

DEREK

I’ll water it after we finish Sava Sava Hari Krishna.

ANNE MARIE

Not funny, dad.

                                    (FRANKIE suddenly collapses in a fit of giggles.)

ANNE MARIE

Ugh.

SYLVIA

What’s so funny, honey?

FRANKIE

Tell ‘em, Granddaddy! Tell ‘em.

GROVER

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

FRANKIE

Granddaddy farted.

ANNE MARIE

Ew.

WALDO

His colon was relaxing.

DEREK

So I can say fart, just not shit, fuck, ass—

SYLVIA

DEREK!

ANNE MARIE

Mom!

FRANKIE

Not funny, dad.

DEREK

Oh, come on, I’m playing around.

ANNE MARIE

Let’s move into Bitilasana, I think that’s one everyone can do. Flip onto your stomachs and move so that your sit bone and shoulders are in one line parallel to the ground.

WALDO

What the hell…

Get on all fours. Good. Now arch your back… Excellent…

                                    (WALDO stands, tiptoes over to the egg nog and pours himself a glass. He stands, sipping it.)

Annnnd arch your back the other way like a SCARED CAT! DROP YOUR HEADS!

           

(Now looking behind her as a “scared cat,” she spots WALDO and glares at him.)

WALDO

Meow.

                                    (FRANKIE collapses in giggles.)

ANNE MARIE

That is pure cream, you don’t want that in your belly when you do the rest of the class.

WALDO

I’m afraid it might take me the rest of class to, uh, finish this drink.

ANNE MARIE

Alright… everyone else, let your core fall. Don’t look at the floor! Look into the kitchen. Breeeeeeeeeathe.

(The sound of GROVER’S heavy breathing is notably absent.)

ANNE MARIE

Granddaddy. Are you holding your breath.

GROVER

(clearly still holding his breath)

No.

ANNE MARIE

Stop.

                                    (GROVER does nothing.)

Granddaddy, stop holding your breath!

DEREK

Dad, you’re making us nervous.

                                    (GROVER exhales loudly and starts coughing.)

SYLVIA

Get his inhaler! Waldo!

WALDO

Where is it?

GROVER

In my purse, damnit!

FRANKIE

Is there no male I can look up to in this family?

SYLVIA

In his purse!

WALDO

Of course. It’s in my father’s purse.

(WALDO fetches a bag, pulls out an inhaler and hands it to Grover, who breathes it in deeply.)

Better?

GROVER

Yes.

DEREK

I think I’m going to step out from the rest of the uh, class, to water the tree.

SYLVIA

I think Grover should stop, too.

ANNE MARIE

Let’s just forget it.

FRANKIE

I’m still in!

GROVER

I’m no quitter.

WALDO

Well, you did just quit breathing dad, that was not a good idea.

GROVER

What’s the next pose! Cow? Pig? Big Toe Pose again! I like Big Toe Pose.

ANNE MARIE

Actually… Pavanmuktasana. Wind-removing pose.

(DEREK begins laughing. Then SYLVIA and GROVER join him. Then FRANKIE collapses into giggles.)

GROVER

(standing)

Where’s the damn egg nog?

January's Theme: Family

As the holiday festivities dissipate into the bleak midwinter of January, I am thinking of family, a topic on everyone's mind this time of year after the presents have been unwrapped (and returned?), the wrapping (or gifts) discarded, and the trees left (or pitched with sticky sap fingers amidst curses) by the side of the road. This month's plays will all deal with that goofy, sometimes vexing but irreplaceable institution we all know and love (right?): our families.