Maybe

I Stop Writing the Poem

to fold the clothes. No matter who lives

or who dies, I’m still a woman.

I’ll always have plenty to do.

I bring the arms of his shirt

together. Nothing can stop

our tenderness. I’ll get back

to the poem. But for now

there’s a shirt, a giant shirt

in my hands, and somewhere a small girl

standing next to her mother

watching to see how it’s done.

- Tess Gallagher

(A woman feeds a baby.)

So then Eve gives Adam the apple and tells him to eat it. That apple tree was the only one they weren’t supposed to eat from. The rest was theirs, and it was paradise. But then the snake—who was the devil—convinces Eve she’s missing something.

You know when you decide you want something, and you find out you can’t have it, and that just makes you want it more, then suddenly you want it so much you can’t think about anything else and you’ll do anything to get it? It was like that.

So they both eat the thing and right away they see all the flaws of paradise they couldn’t before. They’re naked, they gotta make clothes. They’re afraid of God so they hide. Sure, sure.

                  That’s a good question. What did happen in between the time Eve took a bite of the apple and when she gave it to Adam? Well, let’s see, if the apple was knowledge, then that means that for a few seconds or minutes or hours or who knows how long, maybe for eternity if God supersedes time, you know, maybe for an instant that became every instant, Eve knew what Adam didn’t know. And maybe—swallow, little one! Swallow!  

                  (Whispering) What if Adam bit into that apple and then knew, with all the other knowledge, that there were a few seconds or lifetimes when Eve knew something he didn’t know. I imagine he might feel the need to prove something.  

I bet Eve got lonely sometimes.

Reading Tomorrow Night (4/25)!

Reading tomorrow night at 7 PM at Lolita (266 Broome)!

The Screenplay

Un.org

RITA(20s)

ANTOINE (20s)

MURPHY (50s)

JACK (30s)

SMITH (30s)

CORREEN (40s)

RECEPTIONIST

(A conference room. Rita, Antoine, Murphy, Smith, and Jack sit in silence. They are waiting for someone to arrive or something to start. For several seconds, they sit in silence—checking watches, staring at the table. They are here to discuss a screenplay—everyone has a copy of it in front of him or her.)

ANTOINE

Maybe she got the wrong day or something.

JACK

She’s just five minutes late.

(Beat.)

JACK

Feel free to wait until she gets here to apologize.

ANTOINE

I said I was sorry.

JACK

You did.

RITA

If you want to say something to me, you can say it directly.  

JACK

I suppose that’s what we have an ombudsman for.

CORREN

(arriving)

Good morning! Sorry I’m a tad late!

JACK

No problem.

CORREEN

I’m Correeeeen, ombuuudsman, I think I know most of you… but let’s go around anyway. Name and position, please.

JACK

Jack, Manager in Press.

MURPHY

Murphy. Accounting.

RITA

Rita, legal services.

CORREEN

What do you do in legal services, Rita?

RITA

I’m a paralegal.

CORREEN

(writing)

Great, thanks.

ANTOINE

Antoine. IT.

SMITH

Smith. IT.

CORREEN

Is IT a position or a department?

(Beat.)

SMITH

Position.

CORREEN

Great! Okaaay! I assume you’re all here because you were either involved in (looks at Smith, Rita, and Antoine) or exposed to (the others) a certain document containing sensitive materials, is that correct?

(Beat.)

Can I see nods please?

RITA

There was nothing sensitive about it.

(Everyone else nods.)

CORREEN

Thank you! Now, I know some of us are not pleased. Raise your hand if you’re not pleased.

(Everyone but Rita raises hands. Jack is disgusted with Rita.)

CORREEN

My job is to change your attitudes by the end of today. You may still be displeased, but my hope is that those angry faces are flipped once we establish a little bit ‘o’ empathy. Who can define empathy?

(Jack raises his hand.)

CORREEN

(to Jack)

Yes.

JACK

Not writing a screenplay about your colleagues.

CORREEN

Okay, anyone else?

(Rita raises her hand.)

CORREEN

(to Rita)

Rita.

RITA

(looking at Smith)

Not passing around a screenplay that is none of your business to everybody at your company.

(Smith raises his hand.)

CORREEN

Okay, my turn. How about, imagining what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes?

(Beat.)

Now I got you thinkin’! Rita and Antoine, why don’t you tell me what happened from your point of view.

RITA

Antoine and I wrote a script. It’s no big deal. It was our own project. Didn’t have anything to do with any of you.

JACK

Right.

MURPHY

Right!

RITA

Last week, Antoine printed it, but Smith got to the computer first and took it—

SMITH

It was sitting there forever.

RITA

And scanned it to a pdf, and emailed it to the goddamn world. It was a private document—

JACK

That’s BS.

RITA

It’s not BS.

JACK

See? Your character (he flips through pages in front of him), Jim, also says BS.

ANTOINE

So?

JACK

That alerts me even further to the fact that Jim is me!

CORREEN

Let’s allllll take a deep breath. Jack, why do you think Jim is you.

JACK

Well, let’s see, he’s a gay man.

ANTOINE

So are we all. Try again.

JACK

He says BS.

ANTOINE

Who doesn’t?

MURPHY

No one says that anymore.

ANTOINE

Shut up, Murphy.

JACK

There are also other… telling facts.

CORREEN

Can you identify those facts for us, please?

JACK

I prefer not to.

CORREEN

That’s fine. The point is, you were hurt by this character of Jim, correct?

SMITH

Can I say something?

CORREEN

Of course.

SMITH

I didn’t see how Jim is Jack. I don’t get that.

CORREEN

Jack prefers not to share with us the common elements—

RITA

Conveniently.

JACK

One, he has taxidermy in his home. Two, he lost his virginity to a dental hygienist. Need I continue?

(Beat.)

CORREEN

Please.

JACK

Three… he prefers to be called another name during intercourse.

ANTOINE

Who doesn’t?

JACK

(to Antoine)

Not… this name. Which you knew.

CORREEN

(flipping through her copy of the screenplay)

Luigi?

SMITH

Luciano.

CORREEN

So Jack likes to be called Luciano! I like to be called something, myself. Who’s judging?

(Beat.)

JACK

That screenplay is about me. And I deserve an apology.

MURPHY

And Murphy is me.

CORREEN

That’s right, you’re Murphy.

MURPHY

And I’m Murphy in the play.

RITA

There is no Murphy in the play.

MURPHY

Oh, then I’m… the guy in the play who’s overweight.

SMITH

Marvin.

MURPHY

I’m Marvin. And I deserve an apology as well because that was an unfair representation of me.

CORREEN

What didn’t you like about the character of Marvin, Murphy?

JACK

Maybe ‘cause he’s an idiot?

MURPHY

No. Because he’s overweight. That’s just not right.

(Beat.)

RITA

Sorry, Murphy.

ANTOINE

Sorry.

CORREEN

Look! We’re making progress.

JACK

He gets an apology but I don’t?

RITA

If we apologize, are we done?

CORREEN

We aren’t done until everyone feels satisfied.

RITA

Jesus.

ANTOINE

Jack, I apologize. Smith, I apologize. Murphy, I apologize. Rita, I apologize for dragging you into this and for leaving our script in the printer. Correen, I apologize for making you come out here today.

CORREEN

Why thank you, Antoine. That was big of you.

JACK

He’d already said sorry, anyway. I’m waiting on her.

RITA

Jim. Was. Not. You.

JACK

Unbelievable.

SMITH

(to Correen)

I think what you’re hearing is a lot of pent up bitterness because this is not an easy place to work.

CORREEN

Tell me more, Smith. How is it hard?

SMITH

Where do I start?

CORREEN

How about being more specific.

SMITH

It is a god-awful, horrible, wretched, soul-numbing place to work.

MURPHY

Amen!

RITA

Damn straight.

ANTOINE

Second that.

JACK

The bitter truth.

CORREEN

Oh, come on… You’re sitting in a room reserved just for you to meet with an ombudsman to address your concerns, aren’t you? Is that something a cold and uncaring employer would do?

(Beat. They shrug.)

Who’s still unhappy?

(Now, all hands go up, including Rita’s.)

Al…right. Team. We’re going to sit in here until every one of those hands is in your lap. Or on the table. Or somewhere. Okay? Give me an okay!

(The door opens. The receptionist enters.)

RECEPTIONIST/LAUREN

We need this room for a meeting.

(Everyone’s hands go down.)

CORREEN

Hi Lauren!

RECEPTIONIST

Lorraine.

CORREEN

Hi Lorraine! We’re not quite done resolving this dispute so we’re going to need, ohhh, thirty minutes or so.

RECEPTIONIST

(leaning out to consult with someone and reappearing)

We need it now.

CORREEN

But we’re not—

SMITH

(standing)

Of course they do.

JACK

(following)

Real caring.

RITA

Naturally.

ANTOINE

(standing)

Anyone want a drink?

MURPHY

Yeah, and I’m starving.

CORREEN

I think they’ll give us more time if they understand…

RECEPTIONIST

Nope. Gotta have it.

(Beat.)

CORREEN

(to Receptionist)

I liked you more in the screenplay.

Equal Opportunity Employer

Thisrecording.com

SARAH (20s, new employee at her first day of work)

TIM (20s)

ANDY (30s)

JAKE (20s-30s)

(Office cafeteria. Tim and Andy are eating their lunches. Andy’s is packed neatly in little Tupperware containers and relatively healthy-looking. Tim’s is anything but.)

TIM

So we get back to my place and I’m like, want a beer, and she’s like, “Nooo, I don’t drinnnnk,” and I’m like, awesome.

(Sarah enters with her lunch.)

SARAH

Someone sitting here?

(Andy shakes his head. She sits.)

TIM

We’re fooling around. She kisses like an anteater but her tits are better than I thought—

(Jake enters and takes a seat.)

JAKE

I gotta hear this again?

TIM

Dude, don’t be jealous.

SARAH

(to Jake)

I’m Sarah.

JAKE

Jake. You just start?

(Sarah nods.)

TIM

But the problem is, the chick has midget hands.

(Andy laughs.)

TIM

I’m not shitting you, total fucking midget hands. They’re like, all chubby and shit.

ANDY

Nasty.

TIM

So I start getting soft—

JAKE

(to Andy)

You playin’ ball later?

ANDY

If I can get out of here in time.

TIM

Then she starts giving me a knob job—

JAKE

Dude. Seriously. We got women present.

TIM

She doesn’t care.

SARAH

(to Jake)

It’s… fine.

ANDY

I want to hear what happens.

JAKE

Guess when you’re married this is as exciting as it gets.

ANDY

Fuck you.

JAKE

(to Sarah)

Tim likes to sound tough ‘cause he can’t get a girl to date him.

TIM

Am I not telling a story about a girl right now? Am I not?

ANDY

A midget.

JAKE

Fewer midgets on the west coast.

TIM

Why are you all about the west coast these days.

JAKE

No midgets.

TIM

That’s a lie. There are midgets out there.

ANDY

Are you seriously thinking about moving?

JAKE

(to Tim)

Okay, but only hot midgets.

TIM

Chicks are hotter, alright.

JAKE

Damn straight.

TIM

Too late for Andy over here.

ANDY

Yeah, shoulda brought this up three years ago. Maybe I’d have a better wife.

(Sarah stands.)

TIM

You upset the lady, dumbass.

SARAH

I just have work.

(She exits.)

JAKE

She’s pissed.

TIM

(to Andy)

Nice work.

ANDY

You’re the one who was talking about getting head.

TIM

She left when you called your wife fugly.

(Andy stands.)

TIM

Calm down.

ANDY

Just done eating. Later.

(Andy starts to leave.)

TIM

I was kidding, dude.

ANDY

I didn’t mean that about my wife.

TIM

Oh, he feels bad now. Don’t feel guilty, sweetie.

ANDY

I don’t know why I said that.

                                                            (He exits.)

JAKE

(behind Andy as he exits)

See you at the court later?

Terminated

Practicingparents.com

SUSAN (30s, very pregnant)

DAN (50s, boss)

STEVEN (50s, attorney)

(A conference room. Dan and Steven sit at the table.)

STEVEN

I’m telling you—I don’t think it’s a good idea to say that.

DAN

I understand the need to be cautious because you’re an attorney, Steve, and god bless you for it, but it’s fine if I’m just honest—

STEVEN

It’s not fine—

DAN

I believe in honesty in the workplace.

STEVEN

That’s fine, but there are—

DAN

I will not lie to my employees.

STEVEN

But there are laws—

(There is a soft knock at the door.)

DAN

Come on in.

SUSAN

(entering)

Hi.

DAN

Hi Susan, take a seat.

(Beat.)

How are you?

SUSAN

Fine.

DAN

You know Steve?

SUSAN

Think we’ve—

STEVEN

We’ve met before—hi.

SUSAN

Before—hi.

DAN

Susan, I asked you here today because I have some unfortunate news. I tell you this with heavy, heavy heart. We are, I am so sorry to tell you, going to have to let you go. I’m so sorry.

(Susan is not surprised.)

SUSAN

Why? Or do I even have to ask?

(Steven is very uncomfortable.)

DAN

Up until about… five months ago, you were a great employee. I had no complaints. But in the interim, I’ve noticed that your performance is not… what it used to be…

STEVEN

Dan.

SUSAN

What it used to be.

DAN

Just being honest.

SUSAN

Why don’t you just say it outright.

STEVEN

Dan.

DAN

(to Steven)

Let me handle this, please.

SUSAN

We both know what you’re talking about.

DAN

Alright. It’s—

SUSAN

I knew it.

DAN

I’m sorry.

SUSAN

My nephew gave it to me, okay? It was a gift. And yeah, I’m working on it in meetings, but couldn’t have said something to me first?

DAN

You mean the Rubix Cube?

SUSAN

(imitating him)

“You mean the Rubix cube?”

DAN

It’s not the Rubix cube.

STEVEN

It’s the Rubix cube.

SUSAN

Or maybe you could have asked? “Hey, Susan, why are you bringing your Rubix cube to meetings these days?” I guess that would have been too professional.

DAN

It’s not the Rubix cube, Susan. (beat) Although that has been kind of weird.

SUSAN

IT CALMS ME!

DAN

It’s so much more than that. The late arrivals, the frequent trips to the bathroom—

STEVEN

Dan.

DAN

You couldn’t even help lift the new marketing materials last week—Anna and Fred had to do it while you watched… And sometimes you… well, I’ll just be honest. You smell like vomit.

STEVEN

(to Susan)

But that’s not why you’re being terminated.

DAN

Yes, it is, Steven. Yes. It. Is.

(Steven gives up.)

SUSAN

Sure. Sure it is. Fred told me you had a problem with it, but I was waiting for you to say something to me. To see if you would. I’ve given you years of loyalty, and you fire me because of a toy. This kind of thing should be illegal!

(She starts to exit then turns.)

And by the way, I’m pregnant if you hadn’t noticed. So double thanks!

(She storms out.)

DAN

That went so much worse than I thought.

(Steven is speechless.)