Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Unmentionables

 
CAROL ANN (late 50s-early 60s, mother of Kate)
SARAH BEST (late 50s-early 60s, Carol Ann’s sister/Kate’s aunt)

WANDA (40 to 60, friend of Carol Ann)

KRISTY (50 to 60, friend of Carol Ann)

ELEANOR (late 20s, friend of Kate)

RB (RUTH BRADLEY) (early 30s, Kate’s older sister by 2-3 years)

KATE (late 20s, bride-to-be)


A bridal lingerie shower in the fresh and well decorated living room of a family home in the south.

WANDA
(regarding the card in her hand, flatly)
This person—

CAROL ANN
Why don’t you stand please, Wanda!

(Wanda stands.)

WANDA
—is getting married.

RB
Kate.

(Wanda nods and sits.)

SARAH BEST
Record time!

CAROL ANN
(to all)
THE GAME IS: YOU CANNOT SAY THE WORDS ON THE CARD BELOW THE MAIN WORD.

WANDA
What’d I say? Oh, married.

CAROL ANN
Sarah Best, why don’t you go next.

SARAH BEST
(standing, nervously)
It’s a party where everyone gives the bride—oh! Not bride. Am I disqualified?

CAROL ANN
Keep going. You’re fine.

SARAH BEST
—gives the betrothed—items to wear that are… let’s see… delicate, intimate…

WANDA
Lingerie shower.

SARAH BEST
Yes ma’am!

WANDA
I’d ‘a just said we’re at one.

SARAH BEST
Pardon?

CAROL ANN
That was a perfectly fine way to do it. (To Kate) Isn’t this fun? Eleanor, you’re up!

ELEANOR
(referring to her card, feeling slightly out of place but going for upbeat)
Once upon a time, Kate and this person fell in… adoration… and in two months they will be betrothed.

RB
Nathaniel.

ELEANOR
Not Nathaniel, but…

KATE
Am I marrying someone I don’t know about?

SARAH BEST
Soulmate! Beloved!

RB
Bo Jessup. Mom has you marrying Bo Jessup.

KATE
She wishes.

CAROL ANN
(plainly not looking at her watch)
Time!

WANDA
I thought we don’t have teams.

CAROL ANN
It’s about the creation of suspense.

ELEANOR
(revealing the answer)
Nate. Just Nate.

CAROL ANN
(fetching the card from Eleanor)
Close enough.

RB
She’s been calling him that since Christmas.

KATE
Why?

CAROL ANN
You people ever hear of nicknames?

(The doorbell rings.)

CAROL ANN
Must be Kristy!

(Carol Ann exits. We can hear high-pitched greetings in the background as the conversation continues.)

SARAH BEST
(to Eleanor)
How long was your drive? (To Wanda) Eleanor drove all the way from Rhode Island!

KATE
Connecticut.

WANDA
It’s not like people down here really know the difference.

SARAH BEST
I know the difference.

ELEANOR
I had an event for work in Kentucky, so I just kept going.

WANDA
Five hundred miles?

ELEANOR
I drive a lot for work…

SARAH BEST
What do you do?

ELEANOR
I’m an organizer.

(Beat.)

SARAH BEST
What does that mean?

ELEANOR
I work mostly on gay marriage.

(Sarah Best smiles without showing her teeth.)

WANDA
There are gays in Kentucky?

SARAH BEST
Wanda, please.

RB
We’re all over the place, unfortunately.

SARAH BEST
Is it fundraising?

ELEANOR
Sort of. In Kentucky we had a forgy orgy. It’s where we forge a lot of marriage licenses then have a big… party.

SARAH BEST
(still very polite)
I see.

(Carol Ann enters with Kristy.)

CAROL ANN
Everybody, Kristy Henricks Boyle.

KRISTY
Hi y’all! (embracing Kate) Briiide to beeee! Aren’t you a spittin’ image of your mama thirty years ago.

CAROL ANN
(sweetly, quietly)
Twenty-five.

KATE
So glad you could make it!

KRISTY
My pleasure! I’m just glad to be here.

KATE
I’m glad.

KRISTY
I’m glad!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Big Brother



A bedroom. The decor is bland and uninteresting in an extra-bedroom-in-a-middle-class-home sort of way, but with signs that someone lives here. The bed is made, but there is clutter—perhaps a bit of laundry dropped on the floor, an empty glass or two, a stack of gym equipment, CDs, and video games. A Maxim by the bed. These are mixed in with contrasting items—framed photos, delicate figurines, floral china, kitschy scenic art, lace—pieces the person owning the video games certainly didn't purchase.

Marshall opens the door timidly, peeking into the room before entering. He shuts the door behind him quietly. We get the sense that maybe this is not somewhere he is supposed to be. He picks up one of the frames. Places it face down. The door opens, startling him.
LU
Marsh? Sorry, man. Ron asked me to tell you to bring down his hat if you see it.

MARSHALL
He told me twice already.

LU
Guess Dan borrowed it or something. (Hurries to embrace Marshall awkwardly.) How’s things? Circumstances aside.

MARSHALL
Uh... (his phone buzzes in his pocket, he pulls it out, opens it, shuts it, puts it back in his pocket)... good. Fine. You?

LU
I’m in LA.

MARSHALL
I heard.

LU
Been there a couple years.

MARSHALL
What are you doing out there?

LU
Teaching yoga. I know, right? But it was like, there was this girl. Can I help you look?

(Lu looks around. Maybe peeks under the bed. Marshall is not really looking, just vaguely shifting about.)

LU
This is creeped up, dude.

MARSHALL
It’s not pleasant. 

(Lu becomes more comfortable searching the room while Marshall types on his phone.)

LU
Sylvia come with you?

MARSHALL
(distracted)
No.

LU
She stay with the kids?

MARSHALL
No. (Beat.) She stayed with her parents. So you would think her father wouldn’t text me every five minutes, but you’d be wrong. 

LU
Your father-in-law texts? 

MARSHALL
Like a 13-year-old. Kids are swimming at the hotel with Dana.

(Lu finds a sheet of paper in a drawer. Pulls it out. Examines it.)

MARSHALL
What are you doing? Put that back.

LU
Sorry.

MARSHALL
Have some respect for the deceased for God’s sake.

(Beat.)

MARSHALL
What was that?

LU
I didn’t see.

MARSHALL
What the hell was it.

LU
A roster.

(Marshall lurches over and grabs it. Looks it over. Throws it back at Luke. Checks his phone.)

LU
(openly looking at the paper now)
Oh, man, all these guys. Tim and Ricky. I forgot about these guys. He’s got Stevie Waters on third. (Beat.) You’re in right field, dude. That’s funny.

MARSHALL
I don’t give a poop what position my dead brother gave me in his fantasy baseball game, alright? 

(Beat.)

LU
A poop, huh?

MARSHALL
I have kids. Fuck you.

(Marshall’s phone buzzes. Ignoring it, he sits down next to Lu on the bed.)

MARSHALL
Which one was Ricky?

LU
The short one with all the ink. He was on the boat with us the time Dan—

MARSHALL
(interrupting)
I remember.

LU
MARCO! 

(Lu waits for Marshall to laugh. Marshall doesn’t.)

MARSHALL
Not now.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Untitled


by Chidi Okoye


SAM (COP) (cop who writes poetry and keeps a journal, always scribbling in it)
WALDO (plays trumpet, married twice)
ELAINE (mom)
VERONICA (likes to lead, doesn’t like people)
SRI (pretty)
SAM  (young missionary)

A bare stage except for a couple of hard (perhaps metal folding) chairs and a table holding a clear plastic pitcher of water and a stack of disposable cups. Waldo is alone on stage fingering an imaginary trumpet. He is momentarily content in the way that someone who is deeply bored, having finally discovered a means of entertainment, is pleased with himself. SAM (Cop) enters.

SAM
Are you—

WALDO
God? No.

SAM
Frank?

WALDO
Oh. No.

SAM
Sam.

WALDO
Waldo.
(Reaches out his hand.)

SAM
(Reaching to take it)
And Frank…

WALDO
Frank is missing.

SAM
You kidding?

WALDO
Not missing like that. Missing like you miss a grandparent who has passed. Or a distant love.

SAM
The one missing or missed?

WALDO
Either way.

SAM
I see I’ve come to the right place.

WALDO
That is…

SAM
You know as well as I do.

WALDO
What a riot. (Looking toward the sky) HILARIOUS!

(Waldo continues chuckling to himself. Sam turns away and begins occupying himself with a journal he has brought along, flipping through it absently.)

WALDO
How do you know Frank?

SAM
(nervously)
School.

WALDO
What kind of school?

SAM
High school.

WALDO
What high school?

ELAINE
(entering angrily, accusatory)
You’re his friends? Frank’s friends?

WALDO
Let me think.

ELAINE
Goddamn that bastard!

WALDO
I hardly know him, actually.

ELAINE
Tell that fuckwad that I am here not because he asked me to be but because I felt I should as the MOTHER of our CHILDREN, so he can go fuck himself. (She collapses onto the stage and sits, sulking.)

SAM
(to Waldo)
I think I understand why he’s missing.

ELAINE
What are you talking about?

(They say nothing.)

ELAINE
I SAID—

SAM
Ask him, lady. I’m new.

ELAINE
What is he talking about?

WALDO
I think he’s referring to a lie I told a little while ago, before you arrived.

ELAINE
What lie?

SAM
You lied?

WALDO
I don’t know your husband. But he and Sam here are school buddies, so next time you have a message deliver, I’d direct it to him -

SAM
Why would you—

WALDO
I felt like it.

SAM
(standing, preparing to leave, to ELAINE)
Please tell your husband, thank you but this circle isn’t for me.

ELAINE
Circle? Is that what you guys call it?

VERONICA
(entering with purpose, she moves to shake every person’s hand, mechanically)
Hi, Veronica, hi Veronica, hi Veronica. Sorry I’m late. (Looking at her watch) Were we starting at 4 or 4:30?

WALDO, SAM, and ELAINE
(in unison)
WALDO: 4.
SAM: 4:30.
ELAINE: 4.

ELAINE
Maybe it was 4:30. I don’t remember.

VERONICA
Alright, well let’s get started. Who is Sam?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Scene 1: The Ratners



SHELLEY RATNER
MITCHELL RATNER
AMOS RATNER

Scene 1. Morning at the Ratner’s, Day 1. Amos’s 11th birthday.

A kitchen in a middle-class southern home. There is a cake on the table with candles burning. No one pays attention to it. Everyone is angry.

SHELLEY
No hitting means no hitting!

MITCHELL
If Bradley—

AMOS
Barkley!

MITCHELL
Barkley started it—

SHELLEY
Barkley didn’t start it!

AMOS
Did so!  

SHELLEY
And Smith started it, too?

AMOS
Yes!

SHELLEY
And Andy, two weeks ago?

AMOS
I told you already!  

SHELLEY
Lotta startin’ going on that doesn’t have your name on it!

(Amos sulks.)

SHELLEY
When Dad starts up with me, do I sock him in the nose?

(Beat.)

AMOS
No.

SHELLEY
No, I don’t. So what makes you think that’s a good idea?

AMOS
It wasn’t his nose!

MITCHELL
If he’s just sticking up for himself…

SHELLEY
Kneeing Martha Waters’ boy in the groin is sticking up for himself?

AMOS
I did not!

MITCHELL
Groin means penis.

(AMOS sulks for a moment then walks out.)

SHELLEY
(yelling after him)
Where you going!

                                                                    AMOS           
To read about world peace!

SHELLEY
Smart alec.
(yelling after AMOS)
You didn’t blow out your candles!

(She blows them out and begins putting away dishes.)

MITCHELL
So he’s a little aggressive.

SHELLEY
Sarah’s kids aren’t coming home with black eyes and notes from the principal. Kitty’s aren’t. How did our genes make Roger DeNiro?

MITCHELL
Speak for yourself.

(AMOS peaks his head in. He’s still sullen.)

AMOS
Do I still get to do Facebook today?

SHELLEY
You’ll be lucky if you get on Facebook on your twenty-fifth birthday.

AMOS
You said eleven!

SHELLEY
That was before you turned into the fifth grade bully.

AMOS
(exiting)
It’s not fair. He started it. 

SHELLEY
I’m putting away the cake.

AMOS
(offstage)
I don’t want any!

SHELLEY
(mimicking)
I want my cake before school, I want it in the morning.

(SHELLEY fetches a laptop, opens it, and begins typing. MITCHELL starts to make toast.)

MITCHELL
(not happily)
Any good messages?

SHELLEY
I’m going to find an image of what’s gonna happen to him if he keeps it up.  (reciting aloud what she’s googling) man getting arrested…

MITCHELL
Be sure to get a prison rape one.

(AMOS peaks he head in the doorframe.)

AMOS
World peace inherently conflicts with human nature.

SHELLEY
Honey, come here please.

MITCHELL
Brace yourself.

SHELLEY
(suddenly warm)
What did Barkley do to provoke you?

(AMOS looks to MITCHELL like, is this a trick?)

SHELLEY
We should have asked earlier. Did he hurt your feelings?

AMOS
No.

SHELLEY
You sure?

(AMOS shrugs.)

SHELLEY
Did he say something about when you tinkled on yourself?

AMOS
That’s stupid.

MITCHELL
How ‘bout your mom? She’s an easy target, I know.

AMOS
He made fun of my name.

SHELLEY
What’s wrong with your name! You have a great name!

AMOS
It sounds like anus.

SHELLEY
No!

AMOS
Sometimes people call me butt hole.

MITCHELL
(to SHELLEY)
Told you.
(to AMOS)
Sorry.

SHELLEY
Your name sounds nothing like that word.

AMOS
It’s like, real similar mom.

SHELLEY
(shrugging)
Well, I don’t hear it.

MITCHELL
If we had a kid we named anus, and we called one of them, both would come running.

(AMOS laughs.)

AMOS
It’s like if there was a kid named rutt hole.

MITCHELL
Nice!

AMOS
(stops laughing)
I hate it. Can I be Paul?

MITCHELL
(sitting down with his toast)
Why Paul?

AMOS
I just like it.

SHELLEY
Sweetheart, you don’t have to change your name just because a couple kids at school make you feel bad.

(Beat. Amos sulks.)

AMOS
Can I have some toast?

(MITCHELL hands Amos one of his slices. AMOS stares at it as Shelley talks.)

SHELLEY
(closing the laptop)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the name Amos. It was my grandfather’s name, and even though you didn’t know him, he would be proud you to have it. I mean, I’m sure he is proud—in heaven. That you share his name. Why aren’t you eating? You need to start walking in five minutes, and you haven’t brushed your teeth.

AMOS
(gesturing to his toast)
Look.

MITCHELL
What?

AMOS
It looks like Jesus.

(The family gathers around the toast.)

MITCHELL
What do you know—it kind of does.

SHELLEY
Oh, please. Eat up.

AMOS
I can’t eat toast with Jesus on it!

SHELLEY
You can eat toast with you’re grounded on it!

MITCHELL
Come on.

(SHELLEY and MITCHELL share a look—she’s peeved at his recurring breaches of a unified front.)

AMOS
I’m not hungry now.

SHELLEY
You eat that toast now, or you eat it later, I don’t care when, but you’re eating it.

AMOS
(grabbing his book bag and lunch and exiting)
Later.

SHELLEY
(as he leaves then after him)
It’s going to be sittin’ there when you get home from school, and you’re going to eat it before you do one thing come 3:30!… (he’s gone now) YOU’RE STILL A KID!  

(Beat.)

SHELLEY
He senses something’s wrong. He’s lashing out.

MITCHELL
(wearily)
Maybe he’s just being a boy.

(MITCHELL is finishing his toast. SHELLEY grabs the computer and exits in a huff.)