Friday, September 30, 2011

True, True Love


Piccsy.com

WOMAN 1
WOMAN 2

WOMAN 1
(to Woman 2)
To separate one’s love for another from the need to be loved in return. That’s real. That’s true.

When you truly love, being loved back doesn’t feel necessary or urgent, or even all that important. It just feels like a wonderful gift. Like… a hot bath, or a majestic view. A warm beverage walking through a quaint European town packed with tiny lights at the bottom of winter. Crisp white wine on a spring day after a brisk run. Yoga in the fall, a soft breeze lifting the pale yellow curtain across the slick hardwood floor. The curtain drags the sunlight in patches so alive, you gasp. A bite of cold chocolate. A nice mattress.

(Woman 2 exits.)

WOMAN 1
(after her)
The smooth ink of a fine point pen on a creamy page. A well-worn pair of leather boots, freshly shined. A lone trombone echoing through the subway on a Tuesday night. A prayer on guitar—

(Woman 2 returns with a guitar, which she uses to smash Woman 1 in the face.)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Deacon and Ms. D



HERMAN
PATRICE
MS. DAVIS

Herman sits quietly on a bench outdoors. He is wearing a black suit and tie. He has a red flower pinned to his left lapel. On the other, he wears a plastic tag that reads “DEACON.” His hands are folded in his lap. He is enormous. A van pulls up. The side of the van reads, GOD IS SAVIOR BAPTIST CHURCH. Herman stands to greet it. Patrice sticks her head out the driver’s window as the van flies by.

PATRICE
Herman! The van won’t stop!

(The van disappears. Herman looks around, not sure what to do. Eventually he sits. The van appears again, and Herman leaps to his feet.)

PATRICE
(out the window again)
The brakes aren’t working!

(The van disappears again. This time when it arrives, he’s ready for it.)

HERMAN
(yells, his whole body shaking)
Pull the emergency brake!

(The van screeches to a halt.)

PATRICE
(from the driver’s window)
Ms. Davis is going to have a heart attack if you don’t get her out of this van A-S-A-P.

(Inside the van, a sprout of white hair barely peeks over the window frame. This passenger is a tiny old woman, we can tell. Herman slides the van door open.)


HERMAN
How’re you doing Ms. D?

MS. DAVIS
(with shocking volume and vitriol)
GET ME OUTTA THIS DEATH MACHINE!

HERMAN
Yes ma’am, I’m going to right now.

MS. DAVIS
The church can’t send a car that works to get me!

HERMAN
I’m sure we had no idea of course. We’ll have to get those fixed, Ms. D.

MS. DAVIS
I TITHE!

HERMAN
I know you do. And God is grateful.

MS. DAVIS
I HAVE FOR 89 YEARS!

HERMAN
(placing his arms on Ms. Davis)
Yes ma’am. Ready? One, two, three, up!

(He heaves Ms. Davis onto her feet. She is hardly any taller than she was before.)

HERMAN
My way!

(Ms. Davis shifts her weight one direction.)


HERMAN
Your way!

(Ms. Davis shifts her weight the other direction—she is turning so that her back is facing Herman, and she’s facing away from the van door.)

HERMAN
My way!

(Ms. Davis shifts her weight the other direction, turning.)

HERMAN
Your way!

(Ms. Davis shifts her weight the other direction, turning.)

HERMAN
(slides his arms under her armpits)
Foot!

MS. DAVIS
Is the footstool there?

HERMAN
It’s there! Foot!

MS. DAVIS
I’M NOT READY YET! (Beat.) Ready.

HERMAN
FOOT!

(Ms. Davis lifts one foot.)

HERMAN
Lean!

(Ms. Davis falls back and yells as Herman catches her and gently swings her around and onto the ground. She composes herself.)

MS. DAVIS
Herman, you may pass the plate by me today and tell the preacher Ms. D is not tithing for the first Sunday in 89 years. I know that’s about 70 years before he was born. And I won’t start back until the church learns to respect its elders again.

HERMAN
Alright ma’am, I’ll pass that on. Ready?

(Ms. Herman nods. He slides his arms back under hers, lifts her and carries her offstage. Patrice follows.)




Monday, September 12, 2011

Vanity Plate


Sandboxworld.com


DMV EMPLOYEE.
MAN.


The DMV. The Present.

DMV EMPLOYEE
Custom plates are an additional $25 depending on availability. You are not guaranteed your first choice and must submit up to three choices.

MAN
I have to submit three? Or no more than three?

DMV EMPLOYEE
Up to three.

MAN
So I can submit one?

DMV EMPLOYEE
No. Three. You will fill out form MV-96 at the requisite time. Do you have any questions?

MAN
Is the requisite time now?

DMV EMPLOYEE
No.

MAN
Okay, when—

DMV EMPLOYEE
Now is when you tell me your choices and I see if they’re available and then you’ll fill out the form. Normally we don’t do it like this but there’s no line this morning so I’m going to help you out.

MAN
Thank you.

DMV EMPLOYEE
You may choose up to eight characters for your personalized plate. What is your first choice, which may I remind you, you are not guaranteed to receive?

MAN
Forgive me.

DMV EMPLOYEE
(after waiting several seconds)
What?

MAN
That’s what I would like on my plate. Forgive me.

DMV EMPLOYEE
Sir, the limit is eight characters. Please pay attention.

MAN
What if the “for” is the number four. The number four, give, space, me. That’s eight.

DMV EMPLOYEE
(typing into the computer)
Taken. So is 4giveMe with no space. You can still get 4giveYou, 4giveUs, or 4giveme with a three as the “e.” So it’s backwards but it still looks like 4giveme.

(She writes it on a piece of paper for him. He reads it.)

MAN
That just looks like Forgive “em three” to me.

DMV EMPLOYEE
Raymond! We’ll see what Raymond thinks.

MAN
How about just 4giveDP?

DMV EMPLOYEE
Who’s DP? Oh, your initials? (She types into the computer.) Available. Sure?

MAN
That’s fine.

DMV EMPLOYEE
We will need check or cash for $25, and here is form MV-96…

Thursday, September 8, 2011

On the Commute

MAN
BOY

SCENE 1: A subway station.


A man stands before the metro card machine. A boy waits behind him impatiently. The man opens a birthday card and removes a crisp twenty-dollar bill from it. He holds it in one hand while punching a few buttons on the metro card machine with the other. Just as he starts to slip it into the machine, the boy stops him.

BOY
Wait…

(The boy pulls a crumpled twenty from his wallet and holds it out to the man. The man stares at him.)

You can’t buy a metro card with… birthday money.

MAN
(holding up the greeting card)
Father’s Day.


BOY
That’s got to be bad luck or something. Just… please.

(The man takes the twenty, buys a metro card, and slips the crisp bill back into the card. He proceeds to the turnstile without saying thank you. The train arrives and he boards it before the boy has purchased his own metro card.)

BOY
(yelling after the train has left the station)
You’re welcome!


SCENE 2: The next day. Same station.

The man again stands in front of the card machine, punching in numbers. The boy enters. The man retrieves the same birthday card and removes the crisp twenty-dollar bill from it.

BOY
What are you doing?

MAN
What does it look like I’m doing?

BOY
I bought you a card yesterday.

MAN
I lost it.

(They stand there looking at each other.)

MAN
Do you want to buy me another one?

BOY
No I don’t want to buy you another one!

(The man shrugs, slips the twenty into the machine, and proceeds through the turnstile. The boy follows him. They stand in silence for several beats. The boy takes out a fresh looking copy of The Road and opens it to an earmarked page somewhere in the middle.)

BOY
You could say thank you.

MAN
Thank you. (Beat.) Like that book?

BOY
It’s amazing. (Beat.) You read Kerouac?

MAN
Nah.

BOY
You should read this. It’s good.

MAN
Read it already.

BOY
You said you didn’t know Kerouac.

MAN
He didn’t write that.

(The boy looks at the cover sheepishly. The train arrives.)

SCENE 3: The next day. The station.

The boy arrives on the subway platform. He stands reading his book. The man arrives, pulls a used copy of On the Road from his pocket and hands it to the boy.

BOY
Thanks.

When You Love Somebody


 

AGATHA
BEN 

Their living room.


Agatha sits on the couch alone with headphones in her ears. She is sobbing. Ben walks in smiling.

BEN
(appalled)
I thought you were laughing!

(Agatha continues weeping as he goes to her. She removes one headphone and hands it to him. He puts it in his ear, nods his head slightly to a beat, then begins to sing.)

BEN
From toniiight until the end of time!

(Fresh heaves from Agatha.)

BEN
Did Peter Cetera do something to you? I’ll kill him.

AGATHA
I just—I ju, I ju, I ju, I ju, I ju remember when I (fresh heave).

BEN
Loved Chicago?

(Agatha laughs but it promptly turns into crying.)

AGATHA
BEINGLITTLE!

(Fresh heaves.)

BEN
What was so great about being little? You couldn’t make out, drink, or do drugs…

AGATHA
IDON’TDORUGS!

BEN
You don’t, that’s true.

AGATHA
I had so much future.

BEN
You still do!

AGATHA
NOIDON’T.

BEN
You’re thirty-two!

AGATHA
I’m spent. I’ve wasted life on, on, on (she begins to sob again)—

(He waits.)

BEN
(gently)
On being a glorified secretary?

AGATHA
(slurring her words)
ONSTARTINGTHINGSANDNOTFINISHINGTHEM!

BEN
You finished college!

AGATHA
ADECADEAGO!

BEN
You finished…

AGATHA
See?

BEN
Redecorating your bedroom. (Fresh heave.) You finished smoking.

(Beat.)

AGATHA
That’s true.

BEN
That was a big deal.

AGATHA
That’s stopping something, not finishing something. (Fresh heave.) I need to finish something!

BEN
Okay! You will! What do you want to finish?

AGATHA
It’s too late.

(Ben walks to the middle of the room and begins peeing on himself.)

AGATHA
(leaping up)
What are you doing!

BEN
I’m peeing my pants.

AGATHA
Why!

BEN
Because I can.

AGATHA
Go to the bathroom, freak!

BEN
No.

(He finishes peeing. She watches.)

BEN
Did you think I was too old to pee my pants?

AGATHA
YES.

BEN
Well, I’m not. So there we go. (Beat.) Guess I should clean this up.

(He exits. She sits. He re-enters with a roll of paper towels and begins sopping up the urine.)

AGATHA
You could have just made the metaphor.

BEN
What metaphor?

AGATHA
About peeing.

BEN
My point was not metaphorical.

(Agatha puts her headphones back in her ears and closes her eyes. Spotting this, he runs to her, covered in pee.)

BEN
(singing, as Agatha recoils)
When you love somebody! Always on my mind! When you love somebody! Sing or I’m sitting on your lap.

AGATHA
EW!

BEN
Sing now!

AGATHA/BEN
When you love somebody, ‘til the end of time!

BEN
(moving back slightly)
Very good. Want to finish cleaning up for me or finish the song? You have to pick. 

AGATHA
(meekly)
I’ll finish the song.

(Ben nods and gestures for her to continue. She quietly continues to sing.)

No one needs you more than I…