Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloweenie



CHLOE
GUY

CHLOE
(reading dryly from a piece of paper)
Sexy banana, sexy Sponge Bob, sexy Christopher Walken, Reece Witherspoon.

GUY
(absently while doing something else—playing a video game or something)
Sexy Reece Witherspoon.

CHLOE
Not sexy Reece Witherspoon. Just Reece Witherspoon.

GUY
Guess she’s already sexy.

CHLOE
(unreasonably frustrated)
If I’m Reece Witherspoon, that’s the joke. I’m Reece Witherspoon. There is no sexy.

GUY
I don’t get it.

CHLOE
PEOPLE SAY WHO ARE YOU AND I SAY REECE WITHERSPOON. Because I kind of look like her.

(He raises his eyebrows.)

CHLOE
(making a decision to disregard this)
Halibut, shark, half halibut, half shark—like one half of me is the halibut—ahh! (frightened scream)—and the other half is the shark—doodoodoo…

GUY
I like it but how does it work.

CHLOE
Yeah.

GUY
I could be the shark.

CHLOE
Can’t do couple costumes. Sexy jelly bean, sexy Justice Scalia, sexy Justice Sotomayor, sexy Justice Souter.

GUY
Who is Justice Souter?

CHLOE
Exactly! (She laughs; he doesn’t. She continues.) Angry Asian. Happy Asian. Sad Asian. Wait, wait. Yes. YES, I think that’s my favorite! Angry Asian.

GUY
No.

CHLOE
I draw the eyes like… It’s not racist. It’s fact.

GUY
No.

CHLOE
It’s not like I’m like binding my feet.

GUY
Do you hear yourself?

CHLOE
How is it different than if I’m just a Mexican or something!

GUY
IT’S NOT. IT IS JUST LIKE THAT.

CHLOE
Oh my god. Oh my god.

GUY
Just pick something else. My vote is sexy banana.

CHLOE
Am I breaking out in hives?

GUY
What is your problem?

CHLOE
I hate it. I’m not going.

GUY
Go with your instinct.

CHLOE
My instinct is racist. RACIST IS FUNNY.

GUY
Don’t go with your insinct.

CHLOE
(furious)
I’m SO mad at you. (Beat. He doesn’t seem to mind.) WHAT DO I DO?

GUY
Sexy banana. It’s sexy. It’s delicious. It’s yellow. It’s perfect.

CHLOE
I don’t know.

GUY
All done.

CHLOE
Angry Asian is funnier.

GUY
BE SEXY BANANA.

CHLOE
(after a beat)
What are you going as?

GUY
Thinking maybe peanut butter. Horny peanut butter. But not as a couple. I don’t do couple costumes. I’ve just always wanted to be horny. Peanut butter…

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The History of the End of the World



HISTORIAN
(lecturing with slides of images)

In the wake of the Great Disaster of 2012, the few humans that remained were forced to rebuild their lives from scratch. The archeological record is virtually empty for the period before GD 2012. The few tools that did survive can tell us much about how our ancestors lived.

We see that they lacked comparable intelligence to today, as exemplified by these. (IMAGE ON SCREEN: Kim Kardashian's Tone Ups.) Ever at the mercy of nearby predators, who could outwit the human any day of the week, it appears this footwear was designed to facilitate quick escape. But the ill-informed design reveals the simple nature of the pre-2012 mind. (IMAGE ON SCREEN: Interactive slide of a dread—the image spins into many dreads, then is braided.) Our predecessors used human hair to construct sturdy means of rapid ascent and descent from tall heights, lest they wait in vain for their impending deaths.

And yet, at the same time, pre-2012 humans were brutish. (IMAGE ON SCREEN: Shake Weight.) Here, we have a tool clearly designed for beating. I will spare you a graphic description of what such beatings may have entailed, but I’m confident you can insert the seminal components.

Interestingly, (IMAGE ON SCREEN: Pair of men's skinny jeans) these were found in abundance in one confined area just east of the Island of Hattanman. The garment, designed for males, appears to have been rapidly shed en masse by those wearing it prior to their destruction. Theories abound as to why, but the most convincing of these is that the pants were too tight for the men to run from the looming danger that ultimately annihilated them. Another popular theory is that they were quickly shed for panicked intercourse with females, but the problem is that no shed female clothing was found, with the notable exception of several of these—(IMAGE ON SCREEN: A fedora)—most likely used to catch flow during menstrual cycling. It is for this predicted purpose that the second theory does not satisfy me, as intercourse loses its appeal during menstrual flow.

From this assembly of objects, we can infer that our predecessors were a dull-minded, monstrous people in constant fear of predation, and for this reason, quick to inflict physical pain on one another. Indeed, had you been born prior to GD 2012, you might have been subjected to the brutal torture of this device (IMAGE ON SCREEN: A separation stick for the grocery line). No one is sure how it worked, but it was definitely torture. No question it was torture. Torture, torture, torture. Torture.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Bad At Winking: The Last Scene of My Yet To Be Written One Woman Show




To be read aloud on stage by yours truly.


Things I Used To Think

1. I could craft a life out of individual pieces.

2. Love is a feeling.

3. Aghast is pronounced “ag-HAST.”


Assumptions I Used to Hold that I Didn’t Realize Were Governing My Behavior

1. There is a right person and a wrong person in a conflict.

2. Conflicts are about establishing truth.

3. If a certain person likes me enough, it’s okay if I don’t join in that opinion.

4. Everything will work out for me, so I don’t have to try too hard.


Things I Still Think Sometimes But Try Not To

1. What people think matters.

2. I’ll be happy if I XYZ by 123. 

3. There is more to life than relationships.

4. There is more to relationships than their essence.

5. There is more to essence than grace.


What I Suspect

1. Story is everything.

2. The parts of my humanity I dislike most have the most to teach me.

3. Hafiz, Kurt Vonnuget, and Antoine St. Exupery died happy men.


What I Think It’s About

1. Forgiveness.

2. Occasionally quoting Don Henley.

3. Laughing.

4. AS

5. MUCH

6. AS

7. POSSIBLE.




Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Truth Channel




Two people sit, gazing forward. Lights on their faces reveal they’re watching TV.

NARRATOR
S and T are nearing the end of their viewing of S’s decision to commit adultery two years ago, which has caused the expected degree of turmoil in their relationship for the past nineteen months since T learned of the infidelity. They commissioned a Truth Channel reveal-all from China to the tune of $4,017 US Dollars because they are hoping to reconstruct the past accurately in order to reconcile their divergent memories of the events leading up to the offense, and thereby come to terms with each person’s actual contribution. But as it is with everything, each will remember today differently, highlighting some instances and erasing others to shape the memory in service of a particular goal. S will remember this as the day T refused to accept reality. T will remember it as the day began to justify instead of merely seeking excuse. Now, they will stow the footage in the back of the linen closet where it will remain for four months, until (checking watch) right now.


Monday, October 3, 2011

A Documentary



This week, I bring you live footage from my life, which can be described as follows:


1. I live alone. 


2. I don't wear shoes inside. 


3. I don't watch TV except for "The Bachelor(ette)." I wish this were a lie; it's not. 


4. I don't own a stereo or speakers, so any music I want to hear I must listen to through my Macbook. The laptop is so old, it's warped--literally. It does not sit flat. I can't hear the sound it makes unless it's in my lap, but when it's in my lap, it overheats. As a result, I don't listen to music. 


HOWEVER:


5. I am very clumsy. I drop things of all sorts constantly, all day long. This is an important note.


6. I sometimes talk to myself and/or sing made-up songs to myself. And I sometimes talk to other people (shocking, I know)--and not even just in person. I talk to other people on the phone, or even over my computer. It's not easy to admit... but it's the truth.


On Sunday, I awoke to an envelope slid neatly under my door. Inside was a three-page handwritten letter, reproduced verbatim (including punctuation) below.

...


October 1st 


Dear Miss, 


I live in the apartment below you. We met a couple of times. I'm writing to you about the noise level created by your activities. They produce an unacceptable and constant high-level of noise not permissible in a residential building: 


1. There are constant droppings of hard materials on the floor in both rooms. 


2. The activities can take place at any time of day or night. A couple of weeks ago, on a Friday night, you were producing noise at 3 AM. 


3. Since you are obviously involved in some sort of construction work, you constantly walk back and forth. Since your walking style is very energetic and loud, it is very disturbing. It is also often accompanied with loud voiced conversations at any time of day or night. 


Consequently: 


1. You wake me up in the bedroom area either because you drop objects, you walk, or have a loud conversation. 


2. You disturb my own work. Since I am a writer, I need a quiet atmosphere. 


3. I am starting to suffer from headaches and various problems because of the lack of sleep this situation has crated. My pet cat turns aggressive when you drop stuff on the floor. 


This situation is not consistent with standard housing noise regulations. I would like you to remedy this problem. Appropriate shoes and  carpeting might be a start. 


Thank you in advance for considering this egregious problem, 


[His name]

... 

There you have it, friends. My favorite part of this letter is how much more social and active it makes me sound than I really am. (Friday night 3 AM noises? Come on!)

In reality, my clumsiness (and perhaps a little bit of my hominid-ness with a dash of my quirkiness) has finally caught up with me. And as for the loud walking? Interestingly, a man in an airport also once told me I walk loudly. I'm not sure what's weirder--that anyone ever told me this, or that two people now have. I could work on it, I suppose. But I am also trying to do some other things at the moment, like maintain close relationships over long distances, launch a writing career, keep a healthy life financially, emotionally, and spiritually, and avoid oncoming cars. But I will try. 

Walking more quietly, Day 1, 


Mary

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Many Uses of a Belt!


We enter on some kind of class or workshop. A group of three (who don't know each other well) sits brainstorming the uses of a belt. We don’t realize of course that this is what they are doing. They take turns offering suggestions. One records. Doesn’t matter who says what.

Hang yourself.
Hang each other.
A leash.
Hold up your pants.
Fashion.
Foreplay.
Climbing.
Spanking.
Isn’t that like foreplay?
No, it could be punishment, too.
Oh, right.
Trip someone.
Split open coconuts.
Contain melons.
Calendar.
Count holes for weight loss.
Drag something.
Pull something.
Isn’t that the same.
Not really.
Sure, okay.
Tourniquet.
Whip.
Jump rope.
Climbing.
Did you say that already?
She said that, yeah.

INSTRUCTOR
TIME! How many did you get?

GROUP SPOKESPERSON
Forty-one.

INSTRUCTOR
Fantastic! Are they all different?

GROUP SPOKESPERSON
Some are kind of similar. Like pulling and dragging.

INSTRUCTOR
Are they though?

GROUP SPOKESPERSON
I guess you face different ways.

INSTRUCTOR
YOU FACE DIFFERENT WAYS. (Beat.) If a belt has forty-one possible lives, and it’s only a belt, what does that mean for you? Are you pulling or dragging?

GUY
I’m spanking.

INSTRUCTOR
What life will you choose for yourself?