Under Duress

Scene 1: A restaurant. Two patrons sit at a table with their menus open.

WAITER

(takes a deep breath)

...finally, it's all locally grown.

PATRON

As in... Queens?

WAITER

No! No, no.

PATRON

Staten Island?

PATRON 2

Wait, is the Branzino local, too?

WAITER

All local.

PATRON

It’s what, from the Hudson?

WAITER

Mmhmm.

PATRON 2

Everywhere on the Hudson is polluted. The entire Hudson is polluted.

WAITER

I meant... what's the other river?

PATRON

THE GOWANUS?

WAITER

No!

PATRON

The Gowanus is a Superfund site. I don’t think fish can survive in the Gowanus.

PATRON 2

You know what, I don't think I want to eat here if the fish is from anywhere nearby.

WAITER

It's not local. The fish isn’t local.

PATRON 2

You just said it was.

WAITER

It's semi-local. From areas that are not at all polluted or urban or anything.

PATRON

Let's go.

WAITER

If you go I'll kill you.

(Beat.)

PATRON 2

I'm going to talk to Bruno about this person.

WAITER

Bruno isn't the manager anymore. He quit.

PATRON

He's right there.

WAITER

That's his twin. Wally.

PATRON 2

You’re threatening us. I can’t believe this.

WAITER

I did, yes.

PATRON

Tell Bruno this woman is attempting to hold us hostage.

WAITER

I'm not holding you hostage. I have no demands. Wait, yes I do. Yes, I am.

My demand is that you eat. And then tip me. Also have dessert.

PATRON 2

That's absurd--

WAITER

Or I'll choke her with my thumbs.

PATRON 2

Nonsense.

PATRON

Honey!

(Patron 2 sits slowly.)

Scene 2: A dinner party.

PATRON/HOST

Lilly? Are you alright?

GUEST

Hmm? Oh yes, I was just imagining what you meant by “under duress.”

PATRON

Pardon?

GUEST

You said you ate there under duress.

PATRON 2

Because the Stevensons insisted we try it.

PATRON

Anyway, the fish turned out to be delicious! Local really does make a difference, doesn’t it?