Chalk! The Opera

DIRECTOR

JOSH

BARB

LUIS

Rehearsal.

(All but the Director are singing and dancing. They are very peppy. Eyebrows are high. Big steps are taken. Jazz hands are appropriate.)

GROUP

(singing)

Chalk! It’s what we came here for, yeah. Chalk! It’s what we’re all about, yeah. Chalk is a waaay of life! Chalk is a waaaay to write! Ch—

DIRECTOR

Stop. Josh. It’s way to write.

JOSH

Gah!

DIRECTOR

Keep going.

GROUP

(singing)

Chalk! It’s what we came here for, yeah. Chalk! It’s what we’re all about, yeah. Chalk is a waaay of life! Chalkin’ can eeeease your strife—

DIRECTOR

Ease your strife, people!

BARB

Isn’t that what we sang?

DIRECTOR

I heard a D.

JOSH

A who?

DIRECTOR

Stride. I heard stride.

JOSH

I thought you meant a D! Like the note! Ha!

BARB

I don’t think anyone said stride. Why would anyone say stride?

LUIS

It makes more sense than strife.

DIRECTOR

You want to write the libretto, Luis?

JOSH

The li-who!

LUIS

The words to the opera.

JOSH

The op-who!

BARB

Seriously, Josh, stop.

JOSH

(seriously)

This is an opera?

DIRECTOR

Where have you been!

BARB

Dude, we’ve been in rehearsal a week.

JOSH

I thought it was like, a musical about chalk.

LUIS

Same thing.

DIRECTOR

Not same thing.

LUIS

Excuse me, it’s a chalk opera.

DIRECTOR

No. It’s a chalk-pra.

JOSH

A chalk who!

BARB

(interrupting)

Can we break?

DIRECTOR

One run through the Chalk Dusters theme first.

(Everyone groans.)

JOSH

We’ve done it a million—

DIRECTOR

(to the beat)

One! Two! Three! Four!

EVERYONE

We’re chalk dusters, chalky dusters, dustin’ chalkers, all the walkers, love to watch us, chalky dusters, the dustin’ chalkers… HIT IT, ROY!

(The director leaps onto the stage and play air guitar for too long. Everyone waits. He stops.)

DIRECTOR

Hello? You’re supposed to keep singing?

JOSH

I don’t get it.

BARB

I’m breaking. See you in ten.

LUIS

Me too.

(Barb and Luis exit. Josh and Director sit down.)

JOSH

What is chalk-pra? Is it a joke?

DIRECTOR

It’s like, a pun.

JOSH

Oh.

DIRECTOR

‘Cause it sounds like opera.

JOSH

Mmmm.

                                                            (Beat.)

JOSH

It doesn’t really sound like opera.

DIRECTOR

Yeah.

JOSH

But it’s a good subject! I like chalk.

DIRECTOR

I hate it.

JOSH

Then why’d you write an opera about it?

DIRECTOR

Well, when I was a little boy, my babysitter made me eat chalk.

JOSH

Oh my god! So the song, My Babysitter Makes Me Eat Chalk is—

DIRECTOR

A joke.  It’s a joke. That was a joke.

JOSH

Oh.

DIRECTOR

No one made me eat chalk.

(Beat.)

JOSH

That’s funny?

DIRECTOR

Why’d you wanna be in this?

JOSH

I love chalk.

DIRECTOR

You said that.

JOSH

I use it everyday.

DIRECTOR

On what?

JOSH

Sidewalk faces.

DIRECTOR

You still draw on the sidewalk? Where?

JOSH

Oh, all over. On Third Street, on Lilly…

DIRECTOR

Wait, are you—you do those faces? That’s you?

JOSH

Yeah.

DIRECTOR

Those are great!

JOSH

Thanks.

DIRECTOR

Don’t by shy! Those are really great!

JOSH

Thanks.

DIRECTOR

Do you want to draw something for the posters?

JOSH

For the chalkpra, yeah! ‘Course.

DIRECTOR

We’ll make it happen.

(Luis and Barb enter.)

BARB

I’m over it. I’m over the chalk faces everywhere.

LUIS

The guy who draws those chalk faces everywhere is drawing in the parking lot here. What a weirdo.

BARB

He’s been that way since third grade. That’s why we called him Weird Fred.

LUIS

Weird Fred, eh? Clever.

(Fred and Josh don’t make eye contact.)

DIRECTOR

Let’s do Chalk It Up, then, if you all don’t want to do Chalk Dusters.

LUIS

Hope Josh knows the words to this one.

JOSH

I do.

DIRECTOR

One! Two! Three! Four!

EVERYONE

(singing)

Chalk it all up to not knowing what to say! Chalk it all up to the chalker of the day! Chalkin is chalkin, talking is chalkin—

JOSH

(to Director)

I didn’t lie.

DIRECTOR

(cuts off the singing)

What?

JOSH

I just wanted to make you feel better.

BARB

What is going on?

JOSH

I do like chalk.

                                                                       

March's Theme: Chalk

It's almost March. Time to get chalky. 




 

Reminder: Happy Hour Reading Series Starts this Monday!

Happy Hour Reading Series starts this Monday, 2/28, at Lolita! 

Lolita (266 Broome)
Downstairs
2/28
7 PM
Cheap Mojitos
Happiness, joy, light, love, joy, and cheap mojitos

Hope to see you there!

Girls Like Boys

DANI (17)

ERIC (17)

AVERY (9)

 

(Dani and Eric are sitting on the floor of Dani’s bedroom. Their schoolbooks are open in a way that's clear they haven’t been studying for a while. Eric's laptop is open.)

DANI

(with attitude)

What are you talking about?

ERIC

I tell myself, I can't hold out forever. I mean, there’s no reason for my fear… I feel so secure when we're together.

DANI

You see pretty secure to me.

ERIC

But with you—you give my life direction.

DANI

Um, okay.

ERIC

You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night.

(singing)

And I'm getting closer than I every thought I miiight…

(Eric presses play on his laptop, and the chorus of Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon picks up where he has left off. He sings along.)

ERIC

Then I can't fight this feeling anymore!
I've forgotten what I've started fighting for!
It's time to bring this ship into the shore!
And throw away the oars…

(Dani, having come to terms with what is going on after feeling disappointed, then embarrassed, then amused, now joins, belting the song to match his energy.)

BOTH

… forever! ‘Cause I can't fight this feeling any—

(The music stops. Dani’s younger sister Avery has entered, unnoticed or at least, ignored, by Dani and Eric. She stops the music.)

DANI

—more! I’ve for—Avery!

AVERY

I’m sorry to interrupt. I need help picking.

DANI

We don’t have time. We have an AP bio test tomorrow.

ERIC

Picking what?

DANI

She’s a freak.

AVERY

Just help me pick, please? I’m stuck!

DANI

You’re such a freak, freak!

ERIC

PICK WHAT?

DANI

Between her eleven boyfriends.

AVERY

Not eleven.

DANI

Mom told her she had to break up with ten.

AVERY

I took off seven.

ERIC

Who has eleven boyfriends?

DANI

We don’t have time to deal with fourth grade drama. Some of us go to school to learn.

ERIC

How did you get eleven boyfriends?

AVERY

I just like them all.

DANI

Don’t they know the other ones are dating you?

DANI

They don’t date, it’s fourth grade.

AVERY

I just like them.

ERIC

Do they know you like them?

(Avery shrugs. Eric laughs.)

DANI

Don’t encourage her.

AVERY

Please? If I haven’t picked by supper Mom is going to pick for me, she says.

ERIC

Who have you got.

DANI

This better be quick.

AVERY

Ricky Snyder, Simpson Simpson, Daniel Berkowitz and Miguel. I don’t know Miguel’s last name.

ERIC

Simpson Simpson, like that’s his first name and last name?

AVERY

Yeah.

ERIC

Cut.

AVERY

He picks his nose, anyway. But he flicks it on Sadie Parker and she deserves it.

DANI

That’s disgusting.

ERIC

That’s awesome.

DANI

You’re disgusting.

AVERY

Sadie impeded a note from Madison to me—

DANI

Intercepted.

AVERY

The same thing, basically. Anyway—

ERIC

Your nine-year-old sister has a better vocabulary than you.

DANI

Shut up.

AVERY

—Sadie read it out loud. And it said Ricky Snyder has vagina hair so Madison and I lost Sunshine Points even though I didn’t even do anything.

DANI

Disgusting.

ERIC

VAGINA hair?

AVERY

You know, curly.

DANI

Avery McDonald, you should not be talking like that. You are nine.

AVERY

Please. Today’s nine is yesterday’s twelve.

ERIC

Simpson Simpson’s out. Next.

AVERY

Daniel. Oh, how I love Daniel. He’s such an old soul.

ERIC

Is he athletic?

AVERY

Not really.

ERIC

Attractive?

AVERY

Mmm, no.

DANI

There’s more to love than physical attributes, you know.

ERIC

Nah.

AVERY

I can’t cut Daniel. Oh, no, but I can’t cut Miguel!

ERIC

Miguel whose last name you don’t know?

DANI

Exactly.

AVERY

I truly, truly love him. He has seven Z bracelets, makes his own tacos and writes haiku like none I’ve ever seen!

DANI

(impatient)

So keep Daniel.

ERIC

Miguel.

DANI

Whatever.

ERIC

Is he athletic?

AVERY

He’s okay.

ERIC

More than Daniel?

DANI

Life is not a competition!

ERIC

Apparently it is.

AVERY

But if I keep Miguel, what about Ricky Snyder?

DANI

I thought you were different.

ERIC

How?

DANI

I don’t know, nicer than other guys. I thought you were.

ERIC

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

AVERY

Okay, bare facts, Avery, stick with bare. facts. Ricky Snyder. Good penmanship, stretchy shoelaces, doesn’t bite his nails. But… Soggy sandwiches, no crusts—so first grade—lifted my dress in kindergarten, doesn’t inspire me. (pausing the think) Ricky Snyder’s out.

ERIC

So who’s left?

AVERY

Miguel and Daniel.

DANI

Mom isn’t going to let you have two.

AVERY

Maybe I can have two secretly.

ERIC

Awesome.

DANI

What is awesome about that?

AVERY

(standing)

There’s too much sexual tension in here for me to concentrate.

DANI

AVERY!

ERIC

Sexual who? You mean her and me?

DANI

Where did you learn that expression?

AVERY

Please, I’ve known it since pre-school.

(Avery exits. An awkward moment between Eric and Dani passes.)

DANI

She’s so annoying!

ERIC

She’s funny.

DANI

She drives me insane.

ERIC

What was she talking about sexual tension or whatever?

(Dani shrugs.)

DANI

So your turn to quiz. Photosynthesis.

ERIC

We did that already.

DANI

We should do it again.

ERIC

You thought I was telling you I loved you didn’t you? Before.

DANI

No.

ERIC

Yeah you did! You diiiiiiid!

DANI

I didn’t!

(He presses “play” and starts to sing at her.)

ERIC

I’ve forgotten what I’ve started fightin’ for…

(She lurches forward to kiss him. He kisses back.)

Myopia

WINNIE (50s 60s)

DARREN (50s or 60s)

(Winnie and Darren have just finished eating brunch at home and are now reading the paper, sipping mimosas out of champagne flutes. They are wearing robes. Their relationship is old and worn, as is this brunch, a casual weekend ritual. There is nothing special about the occasion, extravagant as it is. Darren notices Winnie’s glass is low and refills it with champagne. She finishes reading her article and closes her section. They swap sections without fanfare.)

WINNIE

(looking out the window, which is not far from the table)

Weird.

(Darren doesn’t react.)

WINNIE

Look. 

(Darren continues reading.)

WINNIE

Darren.

DARREN

Hmm?

WINNIE

Black smoke.

(Darren gazes out the window for a surprising length of time.)

DARREN

(resuming reading)

It’s a chimney.

WINNIE

It’s black.

DARREN

They’re probably cleaning it out.

(Winnie accepts the explanation and resumes reading.)

WINNIE

Enough with John McCain already, who cares about John McCain. What a wretched person.

DARREN

Mmm.

WINNIE

Did you know he called his wife the C-word? I mean years ago.

DARREN

Don’t recall.

WINNIE

Percy told me the other day. It’s not just gossip—she said his staff heard it. Are you listening?

DARREN

Mmm.

WINNIE

He called Cindy McCain the C-Word.

DARREN

That’s not nice.

WINNIE

It’s not just not nice.

DARREN

It’s horrifically not nice. 

WINNIE

It’s not just not nice!

DARREN

I'm glad he lost the election!

WINNIE

Thank you.

DARREN

That crippled old bastard should have died in 'Nam!

WINNIE

Alright, alright.

                                                (The smoke out the window catches Winnie’s eye
                                                again.)

WINNIE

Should we call someone?

DARREN

Want to call the fire department?

WINNIE

Should we?

DARREN

Here.

(removing his cell from his robe pocket and placing it on the table)

Call 9-1-1.

(Winnie stares at the phone for a moment then begins reading again.)

WINNIE

They’re probably just cleaning out the chimney like you said.

DARREN

If you say so.

WINNIE

You call.

(Darren reaches for the phone.)

WINNIE

You’re actually going to?

DARREN

Sure.

WINNIE

But—what are you going to say—there’s smoke coming out a chimney?

(Darren’s phone buzzes with a text before he can dial. He reads it and laughs.)

DARREN

The dog peed in the car.

WINNIE

Who sent that?

(Darren doesn’t answer.)

WINNIE

Who?

(Darren doesn’t answer, typing back.)

WINNIE

Who was that from? Valerie? Oh, Quinn?

DARREN

Quinn.

WINNIE

Won’t we have to pay something if we call and it’s nothing? When we were kids, Dana and I called 9-1-1 and yelled COME SAVE US and mom had to pay a thousand dollars. Or something.

(Darren has finished typing and placed the phone back on the table.)

DARREN

We wouldn’t be playing a prank as concerned citizens.

(Darren picks up the paper.)

WINNIE

So you’re not now?

DARREN

You told me not to.

(Both read.)

WINNIE

Nonsense.

DARREN

Hmm?

WINNIE

This is insane. Let’s put sensors on postal trucks to detect the weather so we can use them as some kind of national weather service. Please, that’s not the job of the postal service.

DARREN

Mmm.

WINNIE

(gazing out the window, sipping her mimosa)

It’s still going.

DARREN

Mmm.

WINNIE

Are we like those people who picnicked during the Civil War?

DARREN

(not looking up from the paper)

Are you watching any charred human beings being carried from the building?

WINNIE

No.

DARREN

Then I suppose not.

WINNIE

It’s been thirty minutes.

DARREN

If you feel that way, call 9-1-1.

WINNIE

I think you should.

DARREN

No.

                                                (Winnie resumes reading.)

WINNIE

If you’re not concerned, I’m not concerned.

DARREN

I’m concerned. I want to see if you’ll call.

WINNIE

What kind of perverted test is that?

(Beat.)

WINNIE

I’m sure it’s nothing.

                                                (Beat.)

Why did Quinn have the dog in the car, did she say?

DARREN

She did not.

WINNIE

I hope they were going to the park or something with the girls. They need space.

(The sound of a siren gradually gets louder, until it’s quite loud. Neither Winnie nor Darren moves. Winnie eventually turns her gaze.)

WINNIE

A fireman is going inside. Another on the roof.

DARREN

Mmm.

WINNIE

Look.

                                                (Beat.)

WINNIE

Darren.

WINNIE

I guess someone called.

DARREN

I suppose they did.

WINNIE

Good. I’m glad. That’s good.

                                                (Beat.)

WINNIE

Happy Valentine’s Day.

DARREN

You too, love. You too.

Photo from http://www.eyefetch.com/profile.aspx?user=osospicy