You Had Me At "Allov"

Scene 1: Two friends are on a train, commuting home from work.

FRIEND 1

He either said, "Hi, love" or "hello" in a funny voice.

FRIEND 2

I don’t see how those sound alike.

FRIEND 1

It was like, "hello" (a vaguely Australian accent with a disjointed "v" on the end).

FRIEND 2

I think he said hello. One, because that weird voice sounds like something he would do. Two, because I think you'd know if he started calling you love.

FRIEND 1

But he's shy! It might have been a one time thing. (Beat. Friend 2 is skeptical.) This might have been my cue to say it first.

FRIEND 2

Then say it.

FRIEND 1

No. It was probably just "hello" (again, "Australian" accent plus "v").

FRIEND 2

Just say it. Get it over with.

FRIEND 1

You thought it was hello!

FRIEND 2

I don't know what it was. You don't know either. You are dying to say it, so just do. See what happens.

Scene 2: On the train, commuting to work, about fourteen hours later. Friend 2 is already on board. The doors open and Friend 1 enters.

FRIEND 1

It was hello.

Under Duress

Scene 1: A restaurant. Two patrons sit at a table with their menus open.

WAITER

(takes a deep breath)

...finally, it's all locally grown.

PATRON

As in... Queens?

WAITER

No! No, no.

PATRON

Staten Island?

PATRON 2

Wait, is the Branzino local, too?

WAITER

All local.

PATRON

It’s what, from the Hudson?

WAITER

Mmhmm.

PATRON 2

Everywhere on the Hudson is polluted. The entire Hudson is polluted.

WAITER

I meant... what's the other river?

PATRON

THE GOWANUS?

WAITER

No!

PATRON

The Gowanus is a Superfund site. I don’t think fish can survive in the Gowanus.

PATRON 2

You know what, I don't think I want to eat here if the fish is from anywhere nearby.

WAITER

It's not local. The fish isn’t local.

PATRON 2

You just said it was.

WAITER

It's semi-local. From areas that are not at all polluted or urban or anything.

PATRON

Let's go.

WAITER

If you go I'll kill you.

(Beat.)

PATRON 2

I'm going to talk to Bruno about this person.

WAITER

Bruno isn't the manager anymore. He quit.

PATRON

He's right there.

WAITER

That's his twin. Wally.

PATRON 2

You’re threatening us. I can’t believe this.

WAITER

I did, yes.

PATRON

Tell Bruno this woman is attempting to hold us hostage.

WAITER

I'm not holding you hostage. I have no demands. Wait, yes I do. Yes, I am.

My demand is that you eat. And then tip me. Also have dessert.

PATRON 2

That's absurd--

WAITER

Or I'll choke her with my thumbs.

PATRON 2

Nonsense.

PATRON

Honey!

(Patron 2 sits slowly.)

Scene 2: A dinner party.

PATRON/HOST

Lilly? Are you alright?

GUEST

Hmm? Oh yes, I was just imagining what you meant by “under duress.”

PATRON

Pardon?

GUEST

You said you ate there under duress.

PATRON 2

Because the Stevensons insisted we try it.

PATRON

Anyway, the fish turned out to be delicious! Local really does make a difference, doesn’t it?

Writing 101

DANNY

TEACHER

LAILA

DICK

FRANK

A writing class.

DANNY

So I was thinking I would like to write a memoir about my battle with cancer. It started five years ago…

TEACHER

BORING!

DANNY

Oh—

TEACHER

Cancer is over.

DANNY

Uh, okay. Another idea was… I guess I lost my son about… nine years ago, and that is something else that made a big impact on—

TEACHER

How?

DANNY

Leukemia.

TEACHER

What’d I just tell you? Won’t sell. Keep thinking, we’ll come back to you. Next!

LAILA

I want to write about being a stay-at-home mom after being a CEO for a decade.

TEACHER

Hot! Mommoirs are so hot right now. NEXT!

DICK

I taught my dog to do yoga. I’m writing a book about the process—

TEACHER

Doga? Super 2005. Catch up. We’ll come back to you, too. Listen people, I want new. Different. Give me sensational, give me character, give me voice. Do I want to read about your chemo? Unless it went awry and turned you into a pumpkin with a third ball, no thank you! Who’s up?

FRANK

My book is called An Account of Accounting for Non-Accountants by an Accountant. I know it’s a little wordy, but I want to cater to SEO because I hear that’s really important for marketing?

TEACHER

Brilliant! And everyone hates money so they’ll hate you. That’s a great thing. Danny, back to you! Fresh ideas? Give me fresh.  

DANNY

A couple of months ago, I briefly prostituted myself to avoid homelessness on the streets of Calcutta. But only for like, two days.

(Beat.)

TEACHER

I guess prostitution might be back.

Midnight Chat

SAM

LILLY

(Sam and Lilly lie in bed.)

LILLY

Sam? (Beat.) You awake?

SAM

Mmm.

LILLY

I had a realization, wake up. Sam!

SAM

What…

LILLY

I think the end of the world is in our hands!

SAM

Mmm.

LILLY

It’s not inevitable!

SAM

Mmm.

LILLY

Okay, this is it. We have free will. But God has God’s will. But he gave us free will. So for God’s will to be done, he has to reveal it to us. We can choose to follow it or not. Like when the universe prods us and stuff. But if we ignore it, we destroy ourselves. Like how people end up in the wrong jobs and doing the wrong things and miserable and stuff. So it can be revealed to us through that—we see how we messed up, so we tell ourselves next time we’ll listen more to God’s will, or the universe’s will, or whatever. But if we don’t, if we keep refusing to see it—well, it still has to be revealed to us in some way. So it is revealed in our ruin. That’s the revelation—that we had the power all along to avoid the end if we just listened. What do you think?

(Sam is sleeping.)

LILLY

(to herself)

God’s will be done.

Unmentionables

 

CAROL ANN (late 50s-early 60s, mother of Kate)
SARAH BEST (late 50s-early 60s, Carol Ann’s sister/Kate’s aunt)
WANDA (40 to 60, friend of Carol Ann)
KRISTY (50 to 60, friend of Carol Ann)
ELEANOR (late 20s, friend of Kate)
RB (RUTH BRADLEY) (early 30s, Kate’s older sister by 2-3 years)
KATE (late 20s, bride-to-be)

A bridal lingerie shower in the fresh and well decorated living room of a family home in the south.

WANDA

(regarding the card in her hand, flatly)

This person—

CAROL ANN

Why don’t you stand please, Wanda!

(Wanda stands.)

WANDA

—is getting married.

RB

Kate.

(Wanda nods and sits.)

SARAH BEST

Record time!

CAROL ANN

(to all)

THE GAME IS: YOU CANNOT SAY THE WORDS ON THE CARD BELOW THE MAIN WORD.

WANDA

What’d I say? Oh, married.

CAROL ANN

Sarah Best, why don’t you go next.

SARAH BEST

(standing, nervously)

It’s a party where everyone gives the bride—oh! Not bride. Am I disqualified?

CAROL ANN

Keep going. You’re fine.

SARAH BEST

—gives the betrothed—items to wear that are… let’s see… delicate, intimate…

WANDA

Lingerie shower.

SARAH BEST

Yes ma’am!

WANDA

I’d ‘a just said we’re at one.

SARAH BEST

Pardon?

CAROL ANN

That was a perfectly fine way to do it. (To Kate) Isn’t this fun? Eleanor, you’re up!

ELEANOR

(referring to her card, feeling slightly out of place but going for upbeat)

Once upon a time, Kate and this person fell in… adoration… and in two months they will be betrothed.

RB

Nathaniel.

ELEANOR

Not Nathaniel, but…

KATE

Am I marrying someone I don’t know about?

SARAH BEST

Soulmate! Beloved!

RB

Bo Jessup. Mom has you marrying Bo Jessup.

KATE

She wishes.

CAROL ANN

(plainly not looking at her watch)

Time!

WANDA

I thought we don’t have teams.

CAROL ANN

It’s about the creation of suspense.

ELEANOR

(revealing the answer)

Nate. Just Nate.

CAROL ANN

(fetching the card from Eleanor)

Close enough.

RB

She’s been calling him that since Christmas.

KATE

Why?

CAROL ANN

You people ever hear of nicknames?

(The doorbell rings.)

CAROL ANN

Must be Kristy!

(Carol Ann exits. We can hear high-pitched greetings in the background as the conversation continues.)

SARAH BEST

(to Eleanor)

How long was your drive? (To Wanda) Eleanor drove all the way from Rhode Island!

KATE

Connecticut.

WANDA

It’s not like people down here really know the difference.

SARAH BEST

I know the difference.

ELEANOR

I had an event for work in Kentucky, so I just kept going.

WANDA

Five hundred miles?

ELEANOR

I drive a lot for work…

SARAH BEST

What do you do?

ELEANOR

I’m an organizer.

(Beat.)

SARAH BEST

What does that mean?

ELEANOR

I work mostly on gay marriage.

(Sarah Best smiles without showing her teeth.)

WANDA

There are gays in Kentucky?

SARAH BEST

Wanda, please.

RB

We’re all over the place, unfortunately.

SARAH BEST

Is it fundraising?

ELEANOR

Sort of. In Kentucky we had a forgy orgy. It’s where we forge a lot of marriage licenses then have a big… party.

SARAH BEST

(still very polite)

I see.

(Carol Ann enters with Kristy.)

CAROL ANN

Everybody, Kristy Henricks Boyle.

KRISTY

Hi y’all! (embracing Kate) Briiide to beeee! Aren’t you a spittin’ image of your mama thirty years ago.

CAROL ANN

(sweetly, quietly)

Twenty-five.

KATE

So glad you could make it!

KRISTY

My pleasure! I’m just glad to be here.

KATE

I’m glad.

KRISTY

I’m glad!