WORD PROCESSING BOOTCAMP! Sick of being a tech tard? Got the "iGotta do something about this" bug? Look no further!

Welcome, class! How is everybody doing? I can’t hear you! How is everybody doing? (Beat.) Maybe we’re a little shy tonight. You’re here because you want to brush up on your word processing skills, and I’ll start the class by commending you for that decision. In today’s cyber world, you cannot be tech savvy enough, am I right? Let’s hear a, “You got it, Sam!” One, two, three! (Beat.) Thanks sir, I appreciate your participation.

It seems the more we try to keep up, the more quickly the world of technology runs ahead of us. Just last week I was having dinner with a friend, and he asked me if I wanted to see his eye twitch. I said, “What!” I thought he meant a new gadget! Turned out it was just his eye, twitching. Every fifteen seconds ago just (imitating) twitch… twitch…

New gadgets everyday! Smaller and smaller! Before we cannonball in, I just want to make sure I know where everyone’s starting point is. Because if Roy is at point D and Becky is at point X, then starting at point A is just going to waste everyone’s time, right? (Beat.) I see you nodding back there, don’t be shy. Am I right? There we go! (Abruptly changing tones) WRONG. Sally over there may be at point A. I don’t see her nodding. We move only as fast as our slowest member is my philosophy on this class. And in life. My philosophy in life is that as well. Just ask my wife!

Where was I? Assessing class level. Who knows what a mouse is? Hands? Woah! You do have limbs and voluntary reaction mechanisms! We got an advanced group here. No problem, I’ll skip ahead a bit then. Let’s see. (Long, dramatic pause.) Who can tell me the difference between a netbook and a desktop? Computer. (Beat.) Thank you for your question, which I assume is how you meant it, since one of us is the teacher and one of us is the student and (much louder, yelling over someone trying to speak) THE ANSWER IS YES IT IS CALLED A NETBOOK, LAPTOP IS SYNONYM FOR NETBOOK! (Beat.) I’m not sure why you’re in the class if you know so—Because some people may not know… (responding to whole class) Woah! Woah! Mutiny! No mutiny! REJECTING MUTINY! (Long beat.) I might be swayed by that collective outburst had I not noticed Anna over there sitting quietly during it. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but maybe Anna is not as advanced as the rest of—(Beat.) In that case, Anita, I think I’ll make an executive decision to skip the skills assessment period and move forward to the post-break curriculum. (To class at large) BUT CLASS: If we are moving too fast and you are embarrassed to step forward among aggressors, tell me at the break, okay? Alright. (Beat.) I’m going to tell you a story about a little guy called icon...

Learning to be Assertive

BOYCOTTER

(at a potential restaurant patron)

DON’T GO IN! (the patron keeps walking) IT’S AN EVIL PLACE! (he keeps walking) YOU ARE A HARDHEARTED, WILLFULLY IGNORANT ASSHOLE CHOOSING TO BE COMPLICIT IN WRONGDOING! (He stops and looks at her.) Sorry. I’m trying to learn to be more assertive.

PATRON

No need to be mean about it.

BOYCOTTER

Sorry.

PATRON

You could just politely tell me why you don’t want me to go in.

BOYCOTTER

The manager sexually assaulted a waitress and they won’t do anything about it.

PATRON

Do you know this waitress?

BOYCOTTER

Does it matter?

PATRON

I guess not.

BOYCOTTER

So you won’t go?

PATRON

I guess I can find somewhere else for a burger.

BOYCOTTER

Thanks.

PATRON

Maybe try talking to people normally next time.

BOYCOTTER

That doesn’t usually work.

PATRON

Then I doubt yelling at them will work.

BOYCOTTER

Okay. Bye.

(Another patron approaches before the first patron has gone far.)

BOYCOTTER

(very timidly)

Do you mind not going in ma’am? Ma’am, please don’t go in…

(The woman ignores her.)

PATRON

Oh, come on, you can be more assertive than that.

BOYCOTTER

I have no middle ground.

PATRON

You must.

BOYCOTTER

I don’t have a range. I just have two extremes.

PATRON

Okay, next person, I want you to be forceful but not insulting.

BOYCOTTER

(to next patron)

HEY, SPINELESS DICK!

(The patron hurries inside, offended.)

See? Weird, right?

PATRON

Yep. Definitely.

I Say Forgiven, You Say What?

Two people at a concert, dancing. It’s almost impossible to speak and be heard over the music.

WOMAN

I FORGIVE YOU.

GUY

WHAT?

WOMAN

I’M READY TO FORGIVE YOU.

GUY

WHY?

WOMAN

I’M TIRED OF HOLDING A GRUDGE.

GUY

WHY ARE YOU FORGIVING ME?

WOMAN

I JUST TOLD YOU. (Beat.) ARE YOU GLAD?

GUY

WHAT?

(She shakes her head, “never mind.”)

GUY

WHAT ARE YOU FORGIVING ME FOR?

(She makes a face.)

GUY

IT’S BEEN SEVEN YEARS!

(She nods.)

GUY

YOU’VE BEEN MAD FOR SEVEN YEARS?

WOMAN

WHY DID YOU THINK I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU?

GUY

I THOUGHT WE LOST TOUCH.

(She shakes her head.)

GUY

WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

Seven Jim Stevensons

jim-stevenson.com

ANNOUNCER

Once upon a time there were seven Jim Stevensons. These are their stories. (Beat.) Why Jim Stevenson III became a serial killer.

(The sound of a baby crying. A mom stands onstage.)

MOM

(exhausted)

Just this once. Just this once, I'm not going to him.

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of how one of the twelve Jim Stevensons of Butte, Montana became crippled.

(Jim stands in a grocery store line behind a woman whose groceries are being charged. He moves the grocery check-out wand on the other side of a cantaloupe so that it is now on his side of the wand.)

WOMAN

What do you think you're doing?

JIM STEVENSON

I'm sorry ma'am, but I do believe you mistakenly thought this spaghetti squash was yours.

WOMAN

What the hell's a spaghetti squash, that's my cantaloupe!

JIM STEVENSON

It's a spaghetti squash, and I got it.

(The woman puts the grocery line wand back where it was. Jim Stevenson puts it back. The woman lifts the wand and begins beating Jim Stevenson with it while yelling, "I'ma spaghetti squash you!")

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of how Jim "Cool Cat" Stevenson became a grandfather.

(Very quickly, mimed: a young Jim Stevenson and a woman have sex; a little boy grows up; he has sex.)

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of how his best friend, Jim "Jimbo" Stevenson became a great grandfather around the same time.

TEENAGE GIRL ON PHONE

I can't. I have to go to my grandmother's wedding.

OTHER TEENAGE GIRL

The one in the retirement home?

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of why Jim Stevenson son of Mark and Debbie has trust issues with women.

LITTLE GIRL

She checked yes as a joke, loser!

(much girl giggling)

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of why Jim Stevenson son of Michael and Donna likes boys.

(Beat.)

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of the best day of Jim "Cool Cat" Stevenson's life, which is notably similar to the best days of Jim Stevenson Two, Four, Five and Six's lives.

(Old Jim Stevenson sits on a bench outdoors, smiling.)

LITTLE BOY’S VOICE

Granddad, let's wrestle!

(Old Jim Stevenson's smile transforms into a terrified expression as he looks off toward what’s coming.)

You Had Me At "Allov"

Scene 1: Two friends are on a train, commuting home from work.

FRIEND 1

He either said, "Hi, love" or "hello" in a funny voice.

FRIEND 2

I don’t see how those sound alike.

FRIEND 1

It was like, "hello" (a vaguely Australian accent with a disjointed "v" on the end).

FRIEND 2

I think he said hello. One, because that weird voice sounds like something he would do. Two, because I think you'd know if he started calling you love.

FRIEND 1

But he's shy! It might have been a one time thing. (Beat. Friend 2 is skeptical.) This might have been my cue to say it first.

FRIEND 2

Then say it.

FRIEND 1

No. It was probably just "hello" (again, "Australian" accent plus "v").

FRIEND 2

Just say it. Get it over with.

FRIEND 1

You thought it was hello!

FRIEND 2

I don't know what it was. You don't know either. You are dying to say it, so just do. See what happens.

Scene 2: On the train, commuting to work, about fourteen hours later. Friend 2 is already on board. The doors open and Friend 1 enters.

FRIEND 1

It was hello.

Under Duress

Scene 1: A restaurant. Two patrons sit at a table with their menus open.

WAITER

(takes a deep breath)

...finally, it's all locally grown.

PATRON

As in... Queens?

WAITER

No! No, no.

PATRON

Staten Island?

PATRON 2

Wait, is the Branzino local, too?

WAITER

All local.

PATRON

It’s what, from the Hudson?

WAITER

Mmhmm.

PATRON 2

Everywhere on the Hudson is polluted. The entire Hudson is polluted.

WAITER

I meant... what's the other river?

PATRON

THE GOWANUS?

WAITER

No!

PATRON

The Gowanus is a Superfund site. I don’t think fish can survive in the Gowanus.

PATRON 2

You know what, I don't think I want to eat here if the fish is from anywhere nearby.

WAITER

It's not local. The fish isn’t local.

PATRON 2

You just said it was.

WAITER

It's semi-local. From areas that are not at all polluted or urban or anything.

PATRON

Let's go.

WAITER

If you go I'll kill you.

(Beat.)

PATRON 2

I'm going to talk to Bruno about this person.

WAITER

Bruno isn't the manager anymore. He quit.

PATRON

He's right there.

WAITER

That's his twin. Wally.

PATRON 2

You’re threatening us. I can’t believe this.

WAITER

I did, yes.

PATRON

Tell Bruno this woman is attempting to hold us hostage.

WAITER

I'm not holding you hostage. I have no demands. Wait, yes I do. Yes, I am.

My demand is that you eat. And then tip me. Also have dessert.

PATRON 2

That's absurd--

WAITER

Or I'll choke her with my thumbs.

PATRON 2

Nonsense.

PATRON

Honey!

(Patron 2 sits slowly.)

Scene 2: A dinner party.

PATRON/HOST

Lilly? Are you alright?

GUEST

Hmm? Oh yes, I was just imagining what you meant by “under duress.”

PATRON

Pardon?

GUEST

You said you ate there under duress.

PATRON 2

Because the Stevensons insisted we try it.

PATRON

Anyway, the fish turned out to be delicious! Local really does make a difference, doesn’t it?

Writing 101

DANNY

TEACHER

LAILA

DICK

FRANK

A writing class.

DANNY

So I was thinking I would like to write a memoir about my battle with cancer. It started five years ago…

TEACHER

BORING!

DANNY

Oh—

TEACHER

Cancer is over.

DANNY

Uh, okay. Another idea was… I guess I lost my son about… nine years ago, and that is something else that made a big impact on—

TEACHER

How?

DANNY

Leukemia.

TEACHER

What’d I just tell you? Won’t sell. Keep thinking, we’ll come back to you. Next!

LAILA

I want to write about being a stay-at-home mom after being a CEO for a decade.

TEACHER

Hot! Mommoirs are so hot right now. NEXT!

DICK

I taught my dog to do yoga. I’m writing a book about the process—

TEACHER

Doga? Super 2005. Catch up. We’ll come back to you, too. Listen people, I want new. Different. Give me sensational, give me character, give me voice. Do I want to read about your chemo? Unless it went awry and turned you into a pumpkin with a third ball, no thank you! Who’s up?

FRANK

My book is called An Account of Accounting for Non-Accountants by an Accountant. I know it’s a little wordy, but I want to cater to SEO because I hear that’s really important for marketing?

TEACHER

Brilliant! And everyone hates money so they’ll hate you. That’s a great thing. Danny, back to you! Fresh ideas? Give me fresh.  

DANNY

A couple of months ago, I briefly prostituted myself to avoid homelessness on the streets of Calcutta. But only for like, two days.

(Beat.)

TEACHER

I guess prostitution might be back.