Cleaning House

CARTER (40s)

CARLA (40s)

CARMEN (40s)

(CARTER and CARLA are in their home. CARTER is gripping a note. We enter in the middle of the fight. This scene is loud and full of rage; moments lacking it are the exception.)

CARTER

Do you really think that!

CARLA

No!

CARTER

The first thing people say is what they really think! Usually!

CARLA

Not this time!

CARTER

I said, do you think your time is worth more than other people’s, and you said yes!

CARLA

I got that line from my sister! I don’t even mean it!

CARTER

Well, do you think it or not!

CARLA

Not in a metaphysical sense, but in a professional sense, yes!

                                                (Beat.)

CARTER

I feel deceived.

CARLA

If that’s how you feel—

CARTER

I was deceived.

CARLA

You were willfully ignorant.

CARTER

That’s what liars say to excuse their lying!

CARLA

My lies improved your quality of life!  

                                                (Beat.)

CARTER

I complimented you.

CARLA

Not me.

CARTER

I said, “The house looks great!”

CARLA

It does look great!

CARTER

Carmen isn’t you!

CARLA

That’s right, Carmen is our housekeeper!

CARTER

I don’t have a maid!

CARLA

She’s not a maid!

                                                (Beat.)

CARTER

Nine years.

CARLA

You were fine for me to be your maid, but not someone else.

CARTER

(holding up the note)

Do you pay her this much every week?

CARLA

Wouldn’t you like to know!

CARTER

How much! How much do you leave there by the vase, mocking me to come home early and catch you in your betrayal!

CARLA

She comes bi-monthly, maid man!

CARTER

Does that mean every two weeks or every two months!

CARLA

Every two weeks!

CARTER

I think that’s wrong!

CARLA

I don’t care!

                                                (Beat.)

CARTER

Maid man?

CARLA

I don’t know!

                                                (Beat.)

CARTER

At least she’s illegal.

CARLA

She’s not illegal.

CARTER

Why is this made out to cash, then?

CARLA

Because I forgot to go to the ATM, okay!

CARTER

I thought you said her name is Carmen!

CARLA

White people can be named Carmen!

CARTER

Not really!

CARLA

My Carmen is white!

CARTER

You couldn’t even hire someone illegal!

CARLA

That doesn’t make sense!

CARTER

If someone is going to clean my toilet, it should at least be someone who can’t get a real job!

CARLA

Ugh! Just because you don’t want to do it! Sissy.

CARTER

You’ve spent thousands of dollars not to do it! Tens of thousands? Tens! I can’t go there.

                                                (Beat.)

CARLA

I’m not firing Carmen.

CARTER

I am not the kind of person who has a maid!

CARLA

She’s my friend!

CARTER

You pay her to scrape your toothpaste off the sink!

CARLA

Your toothpaste!

CARTER

Our toothpaste!

CARLA

I don’t spit clumps!

CARTER

How do you know!

CARLA

Because the clumps are blue!

                                                (Beat.)

CARTER

I’ll… help clean. Sometimes.

CARLA

Ha!

CARTER

I will.

CARLA

I’ll believe it when I see it!

(CARTER begins looking for something.)

CARLA

What are you doing.

CARTER

I’m going to clean. I’m going to mop.

                                                (CARTER continues peering around corners, clueless.)

CARLA

Where is the mop, huh!

                                                (Beat.)

CARLA

Where is it!

CARTER

Just tell me.

CARLA

See?

CARTER

Where is it?

CARLA

I don’t know either! That’s my point!

CARTER

Neither of us knows where the mop is in our own home!

CARLA

No!

(CARTER opens a closet door. CARMEN is inside. She steps out. CARTER looks back and forth between CARTER and CARLA, enraged.)

CARTER

(to CARMEN)

Where is our mop!