Writing 101

DANNY

TEACHER

LAILA

DICK

FRANK

A writing class.

DANNY

So I was thinking I would like to write a memoir about my battle with cancer. It started five years ago…

TEACHER

BORING!

DANNY

Oh—

TEACHER

Cancer is over.

DANNY

Uh, okay. Another idea was… I guess I lost my son about… nine years ago, and that is something else that made a big impact on—

TEACHER

How?

DANNY

Leukemia.

TEACHER

What’d I just tell you? Won’t sell. Keep thinking, we’ll come back to you. Next!

LAILA

I want to write about being a stay-at-home mom after being a CEO for a decade.

TEACHER

Hot! Mommoirs are so hot right now. NEXT!

DICK

I taught my dog to do yoga. I’m writing a book about the process—

TEACHER

Doga? Super 2005. Catch up. We’ll come back to you, too. Listen people, I want new. Different. Give me sensational, give me character, give me voice. Do I want to read about your chemo? Unless it went awry and turned you into a pumpkin with a third ball, no thank you! Who’s up?

FRANK

My book is called An Account of Accounting for Non-Accountants by an Accountant. I know it’s a little wordy, but I want to cater to SEO because I hear that’s really important for marketing?

TEACHER

Brilliant! And everyone hates money so they’ll hate you. That’s a great thing. Danny, back to you! Fresh ideas? Give me fresh.  

DANNY

A couple of months ago, I briefly prostituted myself to avoid homelessness on the streets of Calcutta. But only for like, two days.

(Beat.)

TEACHER

I guess prostitution might be back.