BOYCOTTER
(at a potential restaurant patron)
DON’T GO IN! (the patron keeps walking) IT’S AN EVIL PLACE! (he keeps walking) YOU ARE A HARDHEARTED, WILLFULLY IGNORANT ASSHOLE CHOOSING TO BE COMPLICIT IN WRONGDOING! (He stops and looks at her.) Sorry. I’m trying to learn to be more assertive.
PATRON
No need to be mean about it.
BOYCOTTER
Sorry.
PATRON
You could just politely tell me why you don’t want me to go in.
BOYCOTTER
The manager sexually assaulted a waitress and they won’t do anything about it.
PATRON
Do you know this waitress?
BOYCOTTER
Does it matter?
PATRON
I guess not.
BOYCOTTER
So you won’t go?
PATRON
I guess I can find somewhere else for a burger.
BOYCOTTER
Thanks.
PATRON
Maybe try talking to people normally next time.
BOYCOTTER
That doesn’t usually work.
PATRON
Then I doubt yelling at them will work.
BOYCOTTER
Okay. Bye.
(Another patron approaches before the first patron has gone far.)
BOYCOTTER
(very timidly)
Do you mind not going in ma’am? Ma’am, please don’t go in…
(The woman ignores her.)
PATRON
Oh, come on, you can be more assertive than that.
BOYCOTTER
I have no middle ground.
PATRON
You must.
BOYCOTTER
I don’t have a range. I just have two extremes.
PATRON
Okay, next person, I want you to be forceful but not insulting.
BOYCOTTER
(to next patron)
HEY, SPINELESS DICK!
(The patron hurries inside, offended.)
See? Weird, right?
PATRON
Yep. Definitely.
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