Seven Jim Stevensons

jim-stevenson.com

ANNOUNCER

Once upon a time there were seven Jim Stevensons. These are their stories. (Beat.) Why Jim Stevenson III became a serial killer.

(The sound of a baby crying. A mom stands onstage.)

MOM

(exhausted)

Just this once. Just this once, I'm not going to him.

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of how one of the twelve Jim Stevensons of Butte, Montana became crippled.

(Jim stands in a grocery store line behind a woman whose groceries are being charged. He moves the grocery check-out wand on the other side of a cantaloupe so that it is now on his side of the wand.)

WOMAN

What do you think you're doing?

JIM STEVENSON

I'm sorry ma'am, but I do believe you mistakenly thought this spaghetti squash was yours.

WOMAN

What the hell's a spaghetti squash, that's my cantaloupe!

JIM STEVENSON

It's a spaghetti squash, and I got it.

(The woman puts the grocery line wand back where it was. Jim Stevenson puts it back. The woman lifts the wand and begins beating Jim Stevenson with it while yelling, "I'ma spaghetti squash you!")

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of how Jim "Cool Cat" Stevenson became a grandfather.

(Very quickly, mimed: a young Jim Stevenson and a woman have sex; a little boy grows up; he has sex.)

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of how his best friend, Jim "Jimbo" Stevenson became a great grandfather around the same time.

TEENAGE GIRL ON PHONE

I can't. I have to go to my grandmother's wedding.

OTHER TEENAGE GIRL

The one in the retirement home?

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of why Jim Stevenson son of Mark and Debbie has trust issues with women.

LITTLE GIRL

She checked yes as a joke, loser!

(much girl giggling)

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of why Jim Stevenson son of Michael and Donna likes boys.

(Beat.)

ANNOUNCER

This is the story of the best day of Jim "Cool Cat" Stevenson's life, which is notably similar to the best days of Jim Stevenson Two, Four, Five and Six's lives.

(Old Jim Stevenson sits on a bench outdoors, smiling.)

LITTLE BOY’S VOICE

Granddad, let's wrestle!

(Old Jim Stevenson's smile transforms into a terrified expression as he looks off toward what’s coming.)