FREDDY
RHODA
(A restaurant. Freddy and Rhoda have just been shown to their table. They are taking off their coats and selecting chairs. Freddy is nervous. Rhoda is not.)
FREDDY
(as an afterthought to the hostess, who is already out of view)
Thank you!
(to Rhoda)
Do you want to sit here—oh, there—oh—
(They do the dance between chairs until Rhoda just picks one.)
There we go.
FREDDY
See? They give you chalk and you can write on the table.
RHODA
Cute.
(Beat.)
FREDDY
You know I love you very much, right?
RHODA
I love you, too.
FREDDY
You’re everything to me.
RHODA
Mmm. Just kidding, thanks.
(Beat.)
FREDDY
(checking out a dish of chalk provided at the table)
What color do you want? We have green, pink, yellow… your pick!
RHODA
I’ll take yellow.
FREDDY
Yellow it is. I’ll take green.
(Freddy begins to draw on the table.)
RHODA
What are you drawing?
FREDDY
You’ll see.
(Rhoda begins drawing.)
FREDDY
Done! See?
(Rhoda doesn’t look.)
FREDDY
Is that a hippo?
RHODA
It’s a piano!
FREDDY
A piano, okay, I see it now.
RHODA
It doesn’t even look like a hippo.
FREDDY
That curve could be the butt? I don’t know.
RHODA
Hippos don’t have black and white keys.
FREDDY
See what I got over here?
(She looks and recognizes it.)
FREDDY
Guess a letter.
RHODA
A.
(Freddy surveys the hangman board before answering.)
FREDDY
No A’s.
(Freddy draws on the board.)
RHODA
E.
(Freddy makes a couple of marks.)
RHODA
I, O, U.
FREDDY
Slow down, quickie McGee.
RHODA
I hate McGee—
FREDDY
I know, I know… (contemplating her guesses, then writing)… you were safe on all those.
RHODA
Y.
FREDDY
(writing)
Well done!
RHODA
(casually surveying the board before making her next guess)
L, M, N.
FREDDY
Why are you doing that?
RHODA
I’m being efficient.
FREDDY
Fun isn’t supposed to be efficient.
RHODA
Fine, L.
FREDDY
Two Ls… one M… no Ns. Your guy’s got a head and (drawing) one eye.
RHODA
(reading)
“___ill you merry m—”
FREDDY
Will you marry me, Rhoda?
RHODA
Freddy.
FREDDY
Make me the happiest man on the face of the earth.
RHODA
Look how you spelled “marry.”
FREDDY
What?
RHODA
It’s not merry like, Merry Christmas.
FREDDY
Oh, crap. I was so nervous.
RHODA
Why were you so nervous?
FREDDY
Because I’m proposing? Probably? Are you going to answer?
RHODA
What if you did it over? Just… here.
(She begins frantically erasing.)
RHODA
Now, write it over. It’s fine, people will think it’s the first time.
FREDDY
You can’t just give me an answer?
(Rhoda doesn’t answer.)
FREDDY
Why does it matter?
RHODA
Please write it.
FREDDY
No. Answer me.
RHODA
Please.
FREDDY
I can’t believe you won’t marry me because I misspelled one word.
RHODA
You misspelled marry! Do you know how embarrassing that is? When we take a picture and all my family and friends see it? And then they ask if I guessed A, and I have to say, “He said there weren’t any A’s because he was asking me to Merry Christmas him!” That wouldn’t happen, though, because I wouldn’t tell them, and every time I told the story, it would feel like a lie!
(Freddy erases the table, then stands and puts on his coat.)
RHODA
What are you doing?
FREDDY
This isn’t going to happen tonight.
RHODA
Just write it over!
FREDDY
I’m not going to propose to you twice because my first time embarrasses you.
RHODA
But it’s just… (picking up the chalk) look, I’ll write it.
(She scribbles.)
See? (writing) Will you marry me? Yes! Yes I will. Now we can take a picture of this one and it’s like it never happened!
FREDDY
I’m leaving.
RHODA
We’re engaged!
FREDDY
We’re not engaged.
RHODA
Yes, we are!
FREDDY
Goodnight, Rhoda.
(Freddy exits. Rhoda picks up the chalk and writes, “YES” underneath the question.)
RHODA
It was just spelling.
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