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SARAH (20s, new employee at her first day of work)

TIM (20s)

ANDY (30s)

JAKE (20s-30s)

(Office cafeteria. Tim and Andy are eating their lunches. Andy’s is packed neatly in little Tupperware containers and relatively healthy-looking. Tim’s is anything but.)

TIM

So we get back to my place and I’m like, want a beer, and she’s like, “Nooo, I don’t drinnnnk,” and I’m like, awesome.

(Sarah enters with her lunch.)

SARAH

Someone sitting here?

(Andy shakes his head. She sits.)

TIM

We’re fooling around. She kisses like an anteater but her tits are better than I thought—

(Jake enters and takes a seat.)

JAKE

I gotta hear this again?

TIM

Dude, don’t be jealous.

SARAH

(to Jake)

I’m Sarah.

JAKE

Jake. You just start?

(Sarah nods.)

TIM

But the problem is, the chick has midget hands.

(Andy laughs.)

TIM

I’m not shitting you, total fucking midget hands. They’re like, all chubby and shit.

ANDY

Nasty.

TIM

So I start getting soft—

JAKE

(to Andy)

You playin’ ball later?

ANDY

If I can get out of here in time.

TIM

Then she starts giving me a knob job—

JAKE

Dude. Seriously. We got women present.

TIM

She doesn’t care.

SARAH

(to Jake)

It’s… fine.

ANDY

I want to hear what happens.

JAKE

Guess when you’re married this is as exciting as it gets.

ANDY

Fuck you.

JAKE

(to Sarah)

Tim likes to sound tough ‘cause he can’t get a girl to date him.

TIM

Am I not telling a story about a girl right now? Am I not?

ANDY

A midget.

JAKE

Fewer midgets on the west coast.

TIM

Why are you all about the west coast these days.

JAKE

No midgets.

TIM

That’s a lie. There are midgets out there.

ANDY

Are you seriously thinking about moving?

JAKE

(to Tim)

Okay, but only hot midgets.

TIM

Chicks are hotter, alright.

JAKE

Damn straight.

TIM

Too late for Andy over here.

ANDY

Yeah, shoulda brought this up three years ago. Maybe I’d have a better wife.

(Sarah stands.)

TIM

You upset the lady, dumbass.

SARAH

I just have work.

(She exits.)

JAKE

She’s pissed.

TIM

(to Andy)

Nice work.

ANDY

You’re the one who was talking about getting head.

TIM

She left when you called your wife fugly.

(Andy stands.)

TIM

Calm down.

ANDY

Just done eating. Later.

(Andy starts to leave.)

TIM

I was kidding, dude.

ANDY

I didn’t mean that about my wife.

TIM

Oh, he feels bad now. Don’t feel guilty, sweetie.

ANDY

I don’t know why I said that.

                                                            (He exits.)

JAKE

(behind Andy as he exits)

See you at the court later?