The Screenplay

Un.org

RITA(20s)

ANTOINE (20s)

MURPHY (50s)

JACK (30s)

SMITH (30s)

CORREEN (40s)

RECEPTIONIST

(A conference room. Rita, Antoine, Murphy, Smith, and Jack sit in silence. They are waiting for someone to arrive or something to start. For several seconds, they sit in silence—checking watches, staring at the table. They are here to discuss a screenplay—everyone has a copy of it in front of him or her.)

ANTOINE

Maybe she got the wrong day or something.

JACK

She’s just five minutes late.

(Beat.)

JACK

Feel free to wait until she gets here to apologize.

ANTOINE

I said I was sorry.

JACK

You did.

RITA

If you want to say something to me, you can say it directly.  

JACK

I suppose that’s what we have an ombudsman for.

CORREN

(arriving)

Good morning! Sorry I’m a tad late!

JACK

No problem.

CORREEN

I’m Correeeeen, ombuuudsman, I think I know most of you… but let’s go around anyway. Name and position, please.

JACK

Jack, Manager in Press.

MURPHY

Murphy. Accounting.

RITA

Rita, legal services.

CORREEN

What do you do in legal services, Rita?

RITA

I’m a paralegal.

CORREEN

(writing)

Great, thanks.

ANTOINE

Antoine. IT.

SMITH

Smith. IT.

CORREEN

Is IT a position or a department?

(Beat.)

SMITH

Position.

CORREEN

Great! Okaaay! I assume you’re all here because you were either involved in (looks at Smith, Rita, and Antoine) or exposed to (the others) a certain document containing sensitive materials, is that correct?

(Beat.)

Can I see nods please?

RITA

There was nothing sensitive about it.

(Everyone else nods.)

CORREEN

Thank you! Now, I know some of us are not pleased. Raise your hand if you’re not pleased.

(Everyone but Rita raises hands. Jack is disgusted with Rita.)

CORREEN

My job is to change your attitudes by the end of today. You may still be displeased, but my hope is that those angry faces are flipped once we establish a little bit ‘o’ empathy. Who can define empathy?

(Jack raises his hand.)

CORREEN

(to Jack)

Yes.

JACK

Not writing a screenplay about your colleagues.

CORREEN

Okay, anyone else?

(Rita raises her hand.)

CORREEN

(to Rita)

Rita.

RITA

(looking at Smith)

Not passing around a screenplay that is none of your business to everybody at your company.

(Smith raises his hand.)

CORREEN

Okay, my turn. How about, imagining what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes?

(Beat.)

Now I got you thinkin’! Rita and Antoine, why don’t you tell me what happened from your point of view.

RITA

Antoine and I wrote a script. It’s no big deal. It was our own project. Didn’t have anything to do with any of you.

JACK

Right.

MURPHY

Right!

RITA

Last week, Antoine printed it, but Smith got to the computer first and took it—

SMITH

It was sitting there forever.

RITA

And scanned it to a pdf, and emailed it to the goddamn world. It was a private document—

JACK

That’s BS.

RITA

It’s not BS.

JACK

See? Your character (he flips through pages in front of him), Jim, also says BS.

ANTOINE

So?

JACK

That alerts me even further to the fact that Jim is me!

CORREEN

Let’s allllll take a deep breath. Jack, why do you think Jim is you.

JACK

Well, let’s see, he’s a gay man.

ANTOINE

So are we all. Try again.

JACK

He says BS.

ANTOINE

Who doesn’t?

MURPHY

No one says that anymore.

ANTOINE

Shut up, Murphy.

JACK

There are also other… telling facts.

CORREEN

Can you identify those facts for us, please?

JACK

I prefer not to.

CORREEN

That’s fine. The point is, you were hurt by this character of Jim, correct?

SMITH

Can I say something?

CORREEN

Of course.

SMITH

I didn’t see how Jim is Jack. I don’t get that.

CORREEN

Jack prefers not to share with us the common elements—

RITA

Conveniently.

JACK

One, he has taxidermy in his home. Two, he lost his virginity to a dental hygienist. Need I continue?

(Beat.)

CORREEN

Please.

JACK

Three… he prefers to be called another name during intercourse.

ANTOINE

Who doesn’t?

JACK

(to Antoine)

Not… this name. Which you knew.

CORREEN

(flipping through her copy of the screenplay)

Luigi?

SMITH

Luciano.

CORREEN

So Jack likes to be called Luciano! I like to be called something, myself. Who’s judging?

(Beat.)

JACK

That screenplay is about me. And I deserve an apology.

MURPHY

And Murphy is me.

CORREEN

That’s right, you’re Murphy.

MURPHY

And I’m Murphy in the play.

RITA

There is no Murphy in the play.

MURPHY

Oh, then I’m… the guy in the play who’s overweight.

SMITH

Marvin.

MURPHY

I’m Marvin. And I deserve an apology as well because that was an unfair representation of me.

CORREEN

What didn’t you like about the character of Marvin, Murphy?

JACK

Maybe ‘cause he’s an idiot?

MURPHY

No. Because he’s overweight. That’s just not right.

(Beat.)

RITA

Sorry, Murphy.

ANTOINE

Sorry.

CORREEN

Look! We’re making progress.

JACK

He gets an apology but I don’t?

RITA

If we apologize, are we done?

CORREEN

We aren’t done until everyone feels satisfied.

RITA

Jesus.

ANTOINE

Jack, I apologize. Smith, I apologize. Murphy, I apologize. Rita, I apologize for dragging you into this and for leaving our script in the printer. Correen, I apologize for making you come out here today.

CORREEN

Why thank you, Antoine. That was big of you.

JACK

He’d already said sorry, anyway. I’m waiting on her.

RITA

Jim. Was. Not. You.

JACK

Unbelievable.

SMITH

(to Correen)

I think what you’re hearing is a lot of pent up bitterness because this is not an easy place to work.

CORREEN

Tell me more, Smith. How is it hard?

SMITH

Where do I start?

CORREEN

How about being more specific.

SMITH

It is a god-awful, horrible, wretched, soul-numbing place to work.

MURPHY

Amen!

RITA

Damn straight.

ANTOINE

Second that.

JACK

The bitter truth.

CORREEN

Oh, come on… You’re sitting in a room reserved just for you to meet with an ombudsman to address your concerns, aren’t you? Is that something a cold and uncaring employer would do?

(Beat. They shrug.)

Who’s still unhappy?

(Now, all hands go up, including Rita’s.)

Al…right. Team. We’re going to sit in here until every one of those hands is in your lap. Or on the table. Or somewhere. Okay? Give me an okay!

(The door opens. The receptionist enters.)

RECEPTIONIST/LAUREN

We need this room for a meeting.

(Everyone’s hands go down.)

CORREEN

Hi Lauren!

RECEPTIONIST

Lorraine.

CORREEN

Hi Lorraine! We’re not quite done resolving this dispute so we’re going to need, ohhh, thirty minutes or so.

RECEPTIONIST

(leaning out to consult with someone and reappearing)

We need it now.

CORREEN

But we’re not—

SMITH

(standing)

Of course they do.

JACK

(following)

Real caring.

RITA

Naturally.

ANTOINE

(standing)

Anyone want a drink?

MURPHY

Yeah, and I’m starving.

CORREEN

I think they’ll give us more time if they understand…

RECEPTIONIST

Nope. Gotta have it.

(Beat.)

CORREEN

(to Receptionist)

I liked you more in the screenplay.