SHELLEY RATNER
MITCHELL RATNER
AMOS RATNER
Scene 1. Morning at the Ratner’s, Day 1. Amos’s 11th birthday.
A kitchen in a middle-class southern home. There is a cake on the table with candles burning. No one pays attention to it. Everyone is angry.
SHELLEY
No hitting means no hitting!
MITCHELL
If Bradley—
AMOS
Barkley!
MITCHELL
Barkley started it—
SHELLEY
Barkley didn’t start it!
AMOS
Did so!
SHELLEY
And Smith started it, too?
AMOS
Yes!
SHELLEY
And Andy, two weeks ago?
AMOS
I told you already!
SHELLEY
Lotta startin’ going on that doesn’t have your name on it!
(Amos sulks.)
SHELLEY
When Dad starts up with me, do I sock him in the nose?
(Beat.)
AMOS
No.
SHELLEY
No, I don’t. So what makes you think that’s a good idea?
AMOS
It wasn’t his nose!
MITCHELL
If he’s just sticking up for himself…
SHELLEY
Kneeing Martha Waters’ boy in the groin is sticking up for himself?
AMOS
I did not!
MITCHELL
Groin means penis.
(AMOS sulks for a moment then walks out.)
SHELLEY
(yelling after him)
Where you going!
AMOS
To read about world peace!
SHELLEY
Smart alec.
(yelling after AMOS)
You didn’t blow out your candles!
(She blows them out and begins putting away dishes.)
MITCHELL
So he’s a little aggressive.
SHELLEY
Sarah’s kids aren’t coming home with black eyes and notes from the principal. Kitty’s aren’t. How did our genes make Roger DeNiro?
MITCHELL
Speak for yourself.
(AMOS peaks his head in. He’s still sullen.)
AMOS
Do I still get to do Facebook today?
SHELLEY
You’ll be lucky if you get on Facebook on your twenty-fifth birthday.
AMOS
You said eleven!
SHELLEY
That was before you turned into the fifth grade bully.
AMOS
(exiting)
It’s not fair. He started it.
SHELLEY
I’m putting away the cake.
AMOS
(offstage)
I don’t want any!
SHELLEY
(mimicking)
I want my cake before school, I want it in the morning.
(SHELLEY fetches a laptop, opens it, and begins typing. MITCHELL starts to make toast.)
MITCHELL
(not happily)
Any good messages?
SHELLEY
I’m going to find an image of what’s gonna happen to him if he keeps it up. (reciting aloud what she’s googling) man getting arrested…
MITCHELL
Be sure to get a prison rape one.
(AMOS peaks he head in the doorframe.)
AMOS
World peace inherently conflicts with human nature.
SHELLEY
Honey, come here please.
MITCHELL
Brace yourself.
SHELLEY
(suddenly warm)
What did Barkley do to provoke you?
(AMOS looks to MITCHELL like, is this a trick?)
SHELLEY
We should have asked earlier. Did he hurt your feelings?
AMOS
No.
SHELLEY
You sure?
(AMOS shrugs.)
SHELLEY
Did he say something about when you tinkled on yourself?
AMOS
That’s stupid.
MITCHELL
How ‘bout your mom? She’s an easy target, I know.
AMOS
He made fun of my name.
SHELLEY
What’s wrong with your name! You have a great name!
AMOS
It sounds like anus.
SHELLEY
No!
AMOS
Sometimes people call me butt hole.
MITCHELL
(to SHELLEY)
Told you.
(to AMOS)
Sorry.
SHELLEY
Your name sounds nothing like that word.
AMOS
It’s like, real similar mom.
SHELLEY
(shrugging)
Well, I don’t hear it.
MITCHELL
If we had a kid we named anus, and we called one of them, both would come running.
(AMOS laughs.)
AMOS
It’s like if there was a kid named rutt hole.
MITCHELL
Nice!
AMOS
(stops laughing)
I hate it. Can I be Paul?
MITCHELL
(sitting down with his toast)
Why Paul?
AMOS
I just like it.
SHELLEY
Sweetheart, you don’t have to change your name just because a couple kids at school make you feel bad.
(Beat. Amos sulks.)
AMOS
Can I have some toast?
(MITCHELL hands Amos one of his slices. AMOS stares at it as Shelley talks.)
SHELLEY
(closing the laptop)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the name Amos. It was my grandfather’s name, and even though you didn’t know him, he would be proud you to have it. I mean, I’m sure he is proud—in heaven. That you share his name. Why aren’t you eating? You need to start walking in five minutes, and you haven’t brushed your teeth.
AMOS
(gesturing to his toast)
Look.
MITCHELL
What?
AMOS
It looks like Jesus.
(The family gathers around the toast.)
MITCHELL
What do you know—it kind of does.
SHELLEY
Oh, please. Eat up.
AMOS
I can’t eat toast with Jesus on it!
SHELLEY
You can eat toast with you’re grounded on it!
MITCHELL
Come on.
(SHELLEY and MITCHELL share a look—she’s peeved at his recurring breaches of a unified front.)
AMOS
I’m not hungry now.
SHELLEY
You eat that toast now, or you eat it later, I don’t care when, but you’re eating it.
AMOS
(grabbing his book bag and lunch and exiting)
Later.
SHELLEY
(as he leaves then after him)
It’s going to be sittin’ there when you get home from school, and you’re going to eat it before you do one thing come 3:30!… (he’s gone now) YOU’RE STILL A KID!
(Beat.)
SHELLEY
He senses something’s wrong. He’s lashing out.
MITCHELL
(wearily)
Maybe he’s just being a boy.
(MITCHELL is finishing his toast. SHELLEY grabs the computer and exits in a huff.)
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