Bad Luck Duck

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A man is running in cargo shorts. Running is an overstatement. He’s moving at the pace of the average person walking uphill. Heaves. It may be the first time he’s every worked out. It’s at least been a long time. The woman approaches him.

WOMAN

Excuse me—do you know where White Street is?

(He gestures directions as he cannot speak.)

WOMAN

Thank you.

(She begins walking in the direction he’s pointed. They are just a few feet apart when he realizes he’s told her the wrong direction. He stumbles back and taps her. He motions that he was wrong; it’s in the direction he’s going.)

WOMAN

White Street? White Street is?

(He nods and turns to resume his “jog.”)

WOMAN

Thank you.

(She walks at the same speed as he does, now in the same direction.)

WOMAN

Good for you. (Beat.) I don’t mean that as an insult. I mean it’s good you’re getting out and making it happen. Good for you.

MAN

(hardly able to speak but determined)

I haven’t run in five years, okay?

WOMAN

Double good for you! Quin… duple good for you.

(She lights a cigarette, still walking more or less the same speed as him.)

MAN
(waving the smoke away)

Could you—

WOMAN
(switching her cigarette to the other hand)

Sorry. Five years is a long time not to exercise. It’s been a couple of months for me and I thought that was long. I’m not insulting you. I’m saying that’s extra impressive.

MAN
(stops running, flips out)

AHHHH! GAHHH! DAMMIT!

WOMAN

WHAT?

MAN

I want one so BAD.

WOMAN

This? You can’t smoke! You’re running!

(He’s still freaking out.)

WOMAN

Want me to slow down?

MAN

Please!

(They continue like this for a beat or two. Then he stops, runs back, and takes a long drag of her cigarette. He hands it back politely. She humors this and begins walking with him again.)

WOMAN

You want your own?

MAN

No. I quit. A week ago.

WOMAN

Good for you. (Beat.) Sorry. (Beat.) So. What’s with the life changes?

MAN

(breathing more easily since he stopped for a bit, but continuing to jog)

Just time to make some adjustments.

WOMAN

You get fired?

(He shakes his head.)

WOMAN

Break up?

(He doesn’t respond.)

WOMAN

Somebody die?

(He picks up his pace a little.)

WOMAN

You’ll survive. The endorphins are a smart move.

MAN

Stop… (stops) PATRONIZING me! (He hangs his head over his legs.)

WOMAN

Sorry.

MAN

I’m gonna go back that way now.

WOMAN

It’s okay. Look, White Street. I turn here anyway. Sorry

(She waves and turns. He starts walking back in the direction he came from.)

WOMAN

(turning and spotting him)

Where are you going! Finish your run!

MAN

(furious at her)

I jog at the speed of a chick walking to work. I stole a stranger’s cigarette. I STOLE A STRANGER’S CIGARETTE.

WOMAN

It’s okay! You’re getting healthy—you’re okay.

MAN

For shit I am.

WOMAN

I mean, it was a little weird that you grabbed my cigarette. But I asked for it. I guess.

MAN

I’m going home to die.

WOMAN

Woah. Come here.

(He doesn’t move.)

WOMAN

Come here!

(He walks over to her lifelessly.)

WOMAN

Sit. SIT.

(They sit side by side on the sidewalk. He puts his head in his hands. The sound of a large truck going by. A screech and a car horn. She is jarred by this briefly. He doesn’t notice.)

WOMAN

Have you heard about the bad luck duck?

(He shakes his head.)

WOMAN

Once there was a fisherman who went out everyday looking for fish. One day, he spotted a mallard near his boat. That day do you know how many fish he caught? None. He went home empty-handed where his wife scolded him. She was a difficult wife. The next day, he went out and again saw the mallard. Stupid mallard, you’re bad luck, he thought. And guess how many fish he caught that day? None. The third day it happened again. To make matters worse, when he raised his fist to shake it at the mallard, he was in such fury he lost his balance and plunged headfirst into the water! He lost his bait and most of his hooks. Something had to be done. The following morning, the fisherman didn’t bring his bait and tackle to the lake. Instead, he brought a shotgun. He took aim at that mallard and was about to shoot when the duck, sensing danger, flew away. He shot a bullet straight into the air and warned the bird never to return, lest he die for sure! The next morning, he arrived and was pleased to see the duck was nowhere in sight. That day, he caught twenty fish! The following day, he caught thirty! The following day, forty—his record! As he was regaling his fellow fishermen with the tale of the bad luck duck, one said, “You mean that mallard over there?” Floating in the shade was the duck. Oh, I forgot to tell you—the fisherman had bad eyesight so he couldn’t see the duck unless it was near his boat. “That’s been around all season!” his buddies told him. (Beat.) See?

MAN

No.

WOMAN

Cheer up. It’ll make you cheer up.

(Beat.)

MAN

Can I have a cigarette?

WOMAN

That’s the spirit.