The Deacon and Ms. D

HERMAN

PATRICE

MS. DAVIS

Herman sits quietly on a bench outdoors. He is wearing a black suit and tie. He has a red flower pinned to his left lapel. On the other, he wears a plastic tag that reads “DEACON.” His hands are folded in his lap. He is enormous. A van pulls up. The side of the van reads, GOD IS SAVIOR BAPTIST CHURCH. Herman stands to greet it. Patrice sticks her head out the driver’s window as the van flies by.

PATRICE

Herman! The van won’t stop!

(The van disappears. Herman looks around, not sure what to do. Eventually he sits. The van appears again, and Herman leaps to his feet.)

PATRICE

(out the window again)

The brakes aren’t working!

(The van disappears again. This time when it arrives, he’s ready for it.)

HERMAN

(yells, his whole body shaking)

Pull the emergency brake!

(The van screeches to a halt.)

PATRICE

(from the driver’s window)

Ms. Davis is going to have a heart attack if you don’t get her out of this van A-S-A-P.

(Inside the van, a sprout of white hair barely peeks over the window frame. This passenger is a tiny old woman, we can tell. Herman slides the van door open.)

HERMAN

How’re you doing Ms. D?

MS. DAVIS

(with shocking volume and vitriol)

GET ME OUTTA THIS DEATH MACHINE!

HERMAN

Yes ma’am, I’m going to right now.

MS. DAVIS

The church can’t send a car that works to get me!

HERMAN

I’m sure we had no idea of course. We’ll have to get those fixed, Ms. D.

MS. DAVIS

I TITHE!

HERMAN

I know you do. And God is grateful.

MS. DAVIS

I HAVE FOR 89 YEARS!

HERMAN

(placing his arms on Ms. Davis)

Yes ma’am. Ready? One, two, three, up!

(He heaves Ms. Davis onto her feet. She is hardly any taller than she was before.)

HERMAN

My way!

(Ms. Davis shifts her weight one direction.)

HERMAN

Your way!

(Ms. Davis shifts her weight the other direction—she is turning so that her back is facing Herman, and she’s facing away from the van door.)

HERMAN

My way!

(Ms. Davis shifts her weight the other direction, turning.)

HERMAN

Your way!

(Ms. Davis shifts her weight the other direction, turning.)

HERMAN

(slides his arms under her armpits)

Foot!

MS. DAVIS

Is the footstool there?

HERMAN

It’s there! Foot!

MS. DAVIS

I’M NOT READY YET! (Beat.) Ready.

HERMAN

FOOT!

(Ms. Davis lifts one foot.)

HERMAN

Lean!

(Ms. Davis falls back and yells as Herman catches her and gently swings her around and onto the ground. She composes herself.)

MS. DAVIS

Herman, you may pass the plate by me today and tell the preacher Ms. D is not tithing for the first Sunday in 89 years. I know that’s about 70 years before he was born. And I won’t start back until the church learns to respect its elders again.

HERMAN

Alright ma’am, I’ll pass that on. Ready?

(Ms. Herman nods. He slides his arms back under hers, lifts her and carries her offstage. Patrice follows.)