AGATHA
BEN Their living room.
Agatha sits on the couch alone with headphones in her ears. She is sobbing. Ben walks in smiling.
BEN
(appalled)
I thought you were laughing!
(Agatha continues weeping as he goes to her. She removes one headphone and hands it to him. He puts it in his ear, nods his head slightly to a beat, then begins to sing.)
BEN
From toniiight until the end of time!
(Fresh heaves from Agatha.)
BEN
Did Peter Cetera do something to you? I’ll kill him.
AGATHA
I just—I ju, I ju, I ju, I ju, I ju remember when I (fresh heave).
BEN
Loved Chicago?
(Agatha laughs but it promptly turns into crying.)
AGATHA
BEINGLITTLE!
(Fresh heaves.)
BEN
What was so great about being little? You couldn’t make out, drink, or do drugs…
AGATHA
IDON’TDORUGS!
BEN
You don’t, that’s true.
AGATHA
I had so much future.
BEN
You still do!
AGATHA
NOIDON’T.
BEN
You’re thirty-two!
AGATHA
I’m spent. I’ve wasted life on, on, on (she begins to sob again)—
(He waits.)
BEN
(gently)
On being a glorified secretary?
AGATHA
(slurring her words)
ONSTARTINGTHINGSANDNOTFINISHINGTHEM!
BEN
You finished college!
AGATHA
ADECADEAGO!
BEN
You finished…
AGATHA
See?
BEN
Redecorating your bedroom. (Fresh heave.) You finished smoking.
(Beat.)
AGATHA
That’s true.
BEN
That was a big deal.
AGATHA
That’s stopping something, not finishing something. (Fresh heave.) I need to finish something!
BEN
Okay! You will! What do you want to finish?
AGATHA
It’s too late.
(Ben walks to the middle of the room and begins peeing on himself.)
AGATHA
(leaping up)
What are you doing!
BEN
I’m peeing my pants.
AGATHA
Why!
BEN
Because I can.
AGATHA
Go to the bathroom, freak!
BEN
No.
(He finishes peeing. She watches.)
BEN
Did you think I was too old to pee my pants?
AGATHA
YES.
BEN
Well, I’m not. So there we go. (Beat.) Guess I should clean this up.
(He exits. She sits. He re-enters with a roll of paper towels and begins sopping up the urine.)
AGATHA
You could have just made the metaphor.
BEN
What metaphor?
AGATHA
About peeing.
BEN
My point was not metaphorical.
(Agatha puts her headphones back in her ears and closes her eyes. Spotting this, he runs to her, covered in pee.)
BEN
(singing, as Agatha recoils)
When you love somebody! Always on my mind! When you love somebody! Sing or I’m sitting on your lap.
AGATHA
EW!
BEN
Sing now!
AGATHA/BEN
When you love somebody, ‘til the end of time!
BEN
(moving back slightly)
Very good. Want to finish cleaning up for me or finish the song? You have to pick.
AGATHA
(meekly)
I’ll finish the song.
(Ben nods and gestures for her to continue. She quietly continues to sing.)
No one needs you more than I…
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