The History of the End of the World

HISTORIAN

(lecturing with slides of images)

In the wake of the Great Disaster of 2012, the few humans that remained were forced to rebuild their lives from scratch. The archeological record is virtually empty for the period before GD 2012. The few tools that did survive can tell us much about how our ancestors lived.

We see that they lacked comparable intelligence to today, as exemplified by these. (IMAGE ON SCREEN: Kim Kardashian's Tone Ups.) Ever at the mercy of nearby predators, who could outwit the human any day of the week, it appears this footwear was designed to facilitate quick escape. But the ill-informed design reveals the simple nature of the pre-2012 mind. (IMAGE ON SCREEN: Interactive slide of a dread—the image spins into many dreads, then is braided.) Our predecessors used human hair to construct sturdy means of rapid ascent and descent from tall heights, lest they wait in vain for their impending deaths.

And yet, at the same time, pre-2012 humans were brutish. (IMAGE ON SCREEN: Shake Weight.) Here, we have a tool clearly designed for beating. I will spare you a graphic description of what such beatings may have entailed, but I’m confident you can insert the seminal components.

Interestingly, (IMAGE ON SCREEN: Pair of men's skinny jeans) these were found in abundance in one confined area just east of the Island of Hattanman. The garment, designed for males, appears to have been rapidly shed en masse by those wearing it prior to their destruction. Theories abound as to why, but the most convincing of these is that the pants were too tight for the men to run from the looming danger that ultimately annihilated them. Another popular theory is that they were quickly shed for panicked intercourse with females, but the problem is that no shed female clothing was found, with the notable exception of several of these—(IMAGE ON SCREEN: A fedora)—most likely used to catch flow during menstrual cycling. It is for this predicted purpose that the second theory does not satisfy me, as intercourse loses its appeal during menstrual flow.

From this assembly of objects, we can infer that our predecessors were a dull-minded, monstrous people in constant fear of predation, and for this reason, quick to inflict physical pain on one another. Indeed, had you been born prior to GD 2012, you might have been subjected to the brutal torture of this device (IMAGE ON SCREEN: A separation stick for the grocery line). No one is sure how it worked, but it was definitely torture. No question it was torture. Torture, torture, torture. Torture.