Halloweenie

CHLOE

GUY

CHLOE
(reading dryly from a piece of paper)

Sexy banana, sexy Sponge Bob, sexy Christopher Walken, Reece Witherspoon.

GUY

(absently while doing something else—playing a video game or something)

Sexy Reece Witherspoon.

CHLOE

Not sexy Reece Witherspoon. Just Reece Witherspoon.

GUY

Guess she’s already sexy.

CHLOE

(unreasonably frustrated)

If I’m Reece Witherspoon, that’s the joke. I’m Reece Witherspoon. There is no sexy.

GUY

I don’t get it.

CHLOE

PEOPLE SAY WHO ARE YOU AND I SAY REECE WITHERSPOON. Because I kind of look like her.

(He raises his eyebrows.)

CHLOE

(making a decision to disregard this)

Halibut, shark, half halibut, half shark—like one half of me is the halibut—ahh! (frightened scream)—and the other half is the shark—doodoodoo…

GUY

I like it but how does it work.

CHLOE

Yeah.

GUY

I could be the shark.

CHLOE

Can’t do couple costumes. Sexy jelly bean, sexy Justice Scalia, sexy Justice Sotomayor, sexy Justice Souter.

GUY

Who is Justice Souter?

CHLOE

Exactly! (She laughs; he doesn’t. She continues.) Angry Asian. Happy Asian. Sad Asian. Wait, wait. Yes. YES, I think that’s my favorite! Angry Asian.

GUY

No.

CHLOE

I draw the eyes like… It’s not racist. It’s fact.

GUY

No.

CHLOE

It’s not like I’m like binding my feet.

GUY

Do you hear yourself?

CHLOE

How is it different than if I’m just a Mexican or something!

GUY

IT’S NOT. IT IS JUST LIKE THAT.

CHLOE

Oh my god. Oh my god.

GUY

Just pick something else. My vote is sexy banana.

CHLOE

Am I breaking out in hives?

GUY

What is your problem?

CHLOE

I hate it. I’m not going.

GUY

Go with your instinct.

CHLOE

My instinct is racist. RACIST IS FUNNY.

GUY

Don’t go with your insinct.

CHLOE

(furious)

I’m SO mad at you. (Beat. He doesn’t seem to mind.) WHAT DO I DO?

GUY

Sexy banana. It’s sexy. It’s delicious. It’s yellow. It’s perfect.

CHLOE

I don’t know.

GUY

All done.

CHLOE

Angry Asian is funnier.

GUY

BE SEXY BANANA.

CHLOE

(after a beat)

What are you going as?

GUY

Thinking maybe peanut butter. Horny peanut butter. But not as a couple. I don’t do couple costumes. I’ve just always wanted to be horny. Peanut butter…