ANNE MARIE BUTLER—22, Sister
FRANKLIN (“FRANKIE”) BUTLER—12, Brother
SYLVIA BUTLER—53, Mother
DEREK BUTLER—58, Father
WALDO BUTLER—55, Uncle
GROVER BUTLER (“GRANDDADDY”)—85, Grandfather
(December 24, 2010. The living room of the Butler Family is warm and festive. A tall and densely lit Christmas tree shines above a thick mountain of gifts. There is a fire burning, and on a table there is a bowl of egg nog with a ladle, next to neatly arranged empty glasses and holiday cocktail napkins. The family is distributed throughout the living room lying on their backs facing upstage. ANNE MARIE lies furthest downstage. GROVER’S heavy breathing is quite loud.)
ANNE MARIE
BREATHE in Savasana. In, out. In, out. Focus on your breath.
FRANKIE
This is boring now.
SYLVIA
Hush, Frankie, this is my favorite part.
ANNE MARIE
You can move again in a second, but being still in Savasana is important. We’re restoring our bodies, fueling our hearts.
FRANKIE
I think I can hear your heart, Uncle Waldo.
WALDO
That’s my stomach.
ANNE MARIE
Now, on three, lift again into Sarvangasana. Ready? One, two, THREE!
(ANNE MARIE thrusts her hips into the air and her family follows, some better than others, but no one’s pose could be called pretty.)
DEREK
Dad, are you alive?
GROVER
(can hardly breathe)
Never been better!
(collapses)
ANNE MARIE
Very good, everyone! Annnnd, slowly back down. This is our last Savasana so make it a good one.
SYVIA
Derek, did you water the tree?
DEREK
Shit.
FRANKIE
Dad!
SYLVIA
Derek!
ANNE MARIE
Mom!
DEREK
Sorry! I meant shoot.
SYLVIA
He’s not always going to be perfect, Frankie.
FRANKIE
He can try.
DEREK
How did I end up with the Bible thumping twelve-year-old?
FRANKIE
I’m not Bible thumping. What is Bible thumping.
SYLVIA
Don’t worry, honey, it’s good you get on your dad about his cursing.
ANNE MARIE
This is supposed to be a restful pose.
DEREK
I’ll water it after we finish Sava Sava Hari Krishna.
ANNE MARIE
Not funny, dad.
(FRANKIE suddenly collapses in a fit of giggles.)
ANNE MARIE
Ugh.
SYLVIA
What’s so funny, honey?
FRANKIE
Tell ‘em, Granddaddy! Tell ‘em.
GROVER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
FRANKIE
Granddaddy farted.
ANNE MARIE
Ew.
WALDO
His colon was relaxing.
DEREK
So I can say fart, just not shit, fuck, ass—
SYLVIA
DEREK!
ANNE MARIE
Mom!
FRANKIE
Not funny, dad.
DEREK
Oh, come on, I’m playing around.
ANNE MARIE
Let’s move into Bitilasana, I think that’s one everyone can do. Flip onto your stomachs and move so that your sit bone and shoulders are in one line parallel to the ground.
WALDO
What the hell…
Get on all fours. Good. Now arch your back… Excellent…
(WALDO stands, tiptoes over to the egg nog and pours himself a glass. He stands, sipping it.)
Annnnd arch your back the other way like a SCARED CAT! DROP YOUR HEADS!
(Now looking behind her as a “scared cat,” she spots WALDO and glares at him.)
WALDO
Meow.
(FRANKIE collapses in giggles.)
ANNE MARIE
That is pure cream, you don’t want that in your belly when you do the rest of the class.
WALDO
I’m afraid it might take me the rest of class to, uh, finish this drink.
ANNE MARIE
Alright… everyone else, let your core fall. Don’t look at the floor! Look into the kitchen. Breeeeeeeeeathe.
(The sound of GROVER’S heavy breathing is notably absent.)
ANNE MARIE
Granddaddy. Are you holding your breath.
GROVER
(clearly still holding his breath)
No.
ANNE MARIE
Stop.
(GROVER does nothing.)
Granddaddy, stop holding your breath!
DEREK
Dad, you’re making us nervous.
(GROVER exhales loudly and starts coughing.)
SYLVIA
Get his inhaler! Waldo!
WALDO
Where is it?
GROVER
In my purse, damnit!
FRANKIE
Is there no male I can look up to in this family?
SYLVIA
In his purse!
WALDO
Of course. It’s in my father’s purse.
(WALDO fetches a bag, pulls out an inhaler and hands it to Grover, who breathes it in deeply.)
Better?
GROVER
Yes.
DEREK
I think I’m going to step out from the rest of the uh, class, to water the tree.
SYLVIA
I think Grover should stop, too.
ANNE MARIE
Let’s just forget it.
FRANKIE
I’m still in!
GROVER
I’m no quitter.
WALDO
Well, you did just quit breathing dad, that was not a good idea.
GROVER
What’s the next pose! Cow? Pig? Big Toe Pose again! I like Big Toe Pose.
ANNE MARIE
Actually… Pavanmuktasana. Wind-removing pose.
(DEREK begins laughing. Then SYLVIA and GROVER join him. Then FRANKIE collapses into giggles.)
GROVER
(standing)
Where’s the damn egg nog?
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