TARA (ninth grade)
LULA (third grade)
MOM
DAD
MRS. WATERSON (or LADY WHO RUNS THE AUCTION, a voice)
SCENE 1
(The Backseat of The Family Car. TARA is folded, slumped against the window, listening to her headphones. LULA is perky and chatty. Though we hear MOM and DAD speak throughout the scene, we don’t see them (in the Front Seat). Whenever TARA has her headphones in both ears, all we hear is TARA’s music at a deafening level. LULA looks up from whatever she is doing—coloring or reading or drawing—to take note of something said from the Front Seat. She taps TARA.)
TARA
(removing one earbud/music stops)
What?
LULA
Wendy’s or McDonald’s.
TARA
Wendy's.
(TARA puts the earbud back in/music starts. LULA taps her after conversing briefly with the Front Seat.)
TARA
(removing one earbud/music stops)
WHAT?
LULA
How mad are you going to be if we go to McDonald’s?
(TARA grunts, puts the earbud back in/music starts. LULA taps her after conversing with the Front Seat. TARA removes an earbud/the music stops. TARA waits.)
LULA
We’re going to Wendy’s.
TARA
You didn't have to tell me that.
LULA
(to the Front Seat)
She’s not in a better mood.
TARA
WHAT?
LULA
Mom said we had to go to Wendy’s because otherwise you won’t be in a better mood anytime soon.
TARA
I’m not in a MOOD.
(TARA puts her headphones back in/music resumes. LULA taps her after laughing about something with the Front Seat. TARA rips both off and waits. The family laughs.)
TARA
Shut up!
LULA
You win! Dad wins.
DAD
Don’t you want us to leave you alone, too, Tara?
LULA
That’s cheating!
TARA
Are you guys making bets about what I’m going to say?
LULA
Maybe if you took off your headphones, you’d know.
TARA
Maybe I would if you guys weren’t so BORING!
LULA
We’re not boring.
TARA
Really? Why do you keep winning the award then?
SCENE 2
(The Family sits in a row, outdoors. TARA is miserable. LULA is nervous but interested. MOM and DAD are thrilled. The voices of Mrs. Waterson and others are offstage.)
MRS. WATERSON (Lady Who Runs the Auction)
(offstage)
And one last thing—remember: you are making a difference! Each of you, just by being here. And the first category is…
(drawing from a hat or something goofy)
MOST BORING FAMILY! Let the nominating begin!
VOICE
(offstage)
The Smiths!
VOICE
(offstage)
Second!
VOICES
(offstage, at once)
Third!/Third! Fourth!/Fourth! Fifth!
MS. WATERSON
(offstage)
Mr. Smith, are you prepared to bid your way out of… was it six nominations?
VOICE
(offstage)
SEVEN!
DAD
Bring it on! I got seven Benjamins right here!
MS. WATERSON
Do I hear eight?
VOICE
EIGHT!
DAD
I got eight Ben Franklins right here!
VOICE
NINE!
(End of the auction. The family huddles around a certificate, posing for the camera. MOM, DAD, and LULA are smiling widely. TARA is not smiling.)
VOICE
And the MOST BORING FAMILY AWARD GOES TO... the Smiths!
(Photo flash.)
TARA
(to LULA)
We’re doing something about this before next year.
SCENE 3
(TARA is stands teetering on a ledge, holding onto a rail behind her. LULA stands next to her, distraught.)
LULA
Please don’t! Pleeeease!
TARA
The eldest Smith girl leaps to her death in reaction to an annual fundraiser!
LULA
Please!
TARA
Tell them I said, see who’s boring now Lula! Tell them.
LULA
Stop it! Mom’s going to hear you and I won’t get to go to Janie Rockwell’s birthday.
(TARA falls forward, landing on the floor of her bedroom.)
TARA
It’s barbaric, little one. What they do is barbaric.
LULA
If you get me in trouble I’ll be so mad at you.
TARA
Have you ever been to that town where every year, there is a ceremony, where all the people gather in the town square, and all the names are put into a basket, and one name is drawn. And that person has to go into the middle of the circle. And they throw stones at the person until they die. Every year.
LULA
There is no such town.
TARA
Is so.
LULA
Is not.
TARA
Well there is in a story you read in ninth grade.
LULA
It’s a make believe town. People don’t throw stones in a real town.
TARA
It’s called stoning and people do it, little one.
LULA
Don’t call me that, rude girl.
TARA
That’s basically what they do to us every ear.
LULA
Yeah, for real. Seriously.
TARA
Basically.
TARA
We should stone you then everyone wouldn’t think we’re boring.
LULA
Why me!
TARA
Well, we should do something.
LULA
Like go ride our bikes all over Big Nose’s yard!
TARA
Let’s not call him that anymore. It’s rude.
LULA
Okay.
TARA
I dunno what we should do. But something.
LULA
Okay, but don’t stone me please.
SCENE 4
(LULA wears a poster board sign with magic marker, WICKED LADY WHO RUNS STUPID AUCTION. She is lying on the ground under her big sister.)
LULA
DON’T STONE ME! PLEASE!
TARA
(holding a distinctive rock)
We are raising money by stoning this year, and you’re the one to be stoned!
LULA
But you can’t! It’s not fair! It’s not right!
TARA
I don’t care if it’s not fair or right! It is necessary to raise money for the poor and inflicted!
(Beat.)
Mom. That’s you.
MOM’S VOICE
(reading her line from offstage)
But if it’s not her, it could be anyone!
TARA
No!
MOM
(in role)
Yes!
TARA
No!
MOM
(in role)
Yes!
TARA
Why… it could be me?
LULA
It could be you!
TARA
Why… I never thought of it that way. I suppose we shall end this practice once and for all. Missus, your life shall be spared.
(MOM and DAD’s clapping can be heard from offstage.)
LULA
It’s not over! Thankyouheadstonerforsparingmylifeandservingasanexampletoeveryone thatstoningisnottheanswer.
TARA
Anytime!
(TARA motions for applause, which is late in coming, to resume. She and LU LA bow.)
MOM
(entering)
What an interesting skit.
LULA
It was a play.
DAD
A little dark don’t you think? Stoning Lula?
TARA
It’s called a metaphor?
LULA
Basically.
MOM
They weren’t stoning Lula, they were stoning Mrs. Waterson because she… runs the auction?
LULA
We don’t want to be in the contest anymore.
MOM
But it’s just for fun my sillies!
TARA
Ever heard of not funny?
DAD
Ever heard of sarcasm? People pick us because we’re the least boring. Everyone knows that.
(to MOM)
Right?
(MOM avoids his gaze.)
DAD
Anyway, if you really want to be interesting, the skit—
LULA
Play.
DAD
—Play should end with the stoning.
(LULA runs out.)
TARA
See? You’re scarring her indefinitely. It’s too late to save me but you could still save Lula.
SCENE 5
MRS. WATERSON’S VOICE
And once agaaaaain, the MOST BORING FAMILY AWARD GOES TO... the Smiths!
DAD
(entering, approaching a microphone)
From the mouths of babes comes the truth. This fundraiser is always great fun for me personally—I know you all don’t really think we’re boring! But the kids don’t. And while raising money for cancer—
MOM
(whispers)
Cystic Fibrosis.
DAD
Cystic fibrosis is noble, what we’re doing is setting an example that bullying, or… calling someone boring, or the LOUDEST, Mr. O’Ryan, or the CRAZIEST, like the Freemans… is okay. Mrs. Waterson, thank you for the award but I’m not going to be able to accept this year.
(The stone from Scene 5 flies onto the stage and rolls to a stop.)
SCENE 6
LULA
(alone on stage, lying in bed)
I’m not boring. I’m not boring.
Photo courtesy of Pixomar: http://www.freedigitalphotos.
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